Child's Play
by Raggedy Doctor
Summary: Jack, Daniel, and Sam are turned into children and are thrown into grand adventures, captured by Apophis, becoming official members of an Unas tribe, meeting Giant Mutant Carpenter ants, and plotting against the bad guys
1. You're Cut Off

Disclaimer: I do not own stargate ah well maybe in an alternate dimention somewhere... I can dream can't I?

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**Child's Play**

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Apophis grinned. Finally, he had SG1 in his grasp, there was nothing they could do this time. They were cornered in a section of the ruins. It would be child's play to capture them.His Jaffa had just sent for him telling him that SG1 was secure.

"KNEEL BEFORE YOUR GOD!" on of his Jaffa's yelled as he stepped into the room. He looked down at three small children in confusion. The three children stared at him blankly.

"God?" the oldest boy blinked in confusion, "Where?" he asked putting his hands on his hips. The boy had a buzz cut and brown eyes and an arrogant attitude that seemed familiar.

"Your lord Apophis!" the Jaffa yelled.

"Apawfus?" the youngest asked his big blue eyes widening. He was small with glasses and shaggy brown hair that obscured his eyes a bit. He was badly in need of a haircut, "I know him!"

"You do?" the girl blinked.

"Yeah! They talk about him on stonewalls! He's the Giptian Serpent God of Night!" the little boy said proudly.

Giptian?" the girl blinked.

"Ohhh he means E-gyptian!" Jack said.

"That's what I said!" the little boy said, "Giptian!"

"You said you had SG1!" Apophis yelled at his subordinate. The little boy instantly went quiet looking over at Apophis with big hurt eyes.

"Who's he?" the little boy asked stepping back a little behind the boy with the buzz cut.

"I dunno," the older boy answered not noticing the little boy stepping behind him.

"Lord Apophis!" the Jaffa announced menacingly.

"He is?" the boy asked skeptically.

"He's not my lord!" the girl announced.

"Yeah mine neither," the buzz cut boy said crossing his arm.

"Quiet!" Apophis snapped. The children fell silent again.

"They are SG1 my lord, they… changed…"

"Changed?" Apophis twitched, "They were standing there, then Doctor Jackson touched something and they changed. What did you touch!" the Jaffa yelled at the youngest one. The little one grabbed on to the other boys arm.

"Hey don't be mean to him! He's just a little kid!" he yelled.

"Shut up," Apophis said to the Jaffa before he could say anything else. He looked down at the children.

"What are your names?" he asked.

"Jack O'Neill," the oldest said.

"Sammy Carter," the girl answered.

"D… Daniel Jackson sir," the little boy finished softly. Suddenly Apophis noticed what the children were wearing. They were wearing an SG1 uniform. Remarkably the uniforms fit them perfectly… except for Daniel's, it was a little too big and the sleeve were too long making him look smaller than he really was.

"So you're telling me SG1 was turned into small children," Apophis growled. The Jaffa nodded.

"Take them with us then," Apophis ordered, "They might still be useful,"

"Come!" the Jaffa ordered.

"Dad says not to go anywhere with strangers!" Sammy announced. Jack nodded in agreement, "Yeah! And you're all strangers! Where's Mom and Dad!"

"Stwangers," Daniel repeated still looking out behind Jack.

"Don't worry Danny! I'll protect you!" Jack said ruffling Daniel's hair.

"Me too," Sammy announced going up beside Jack.

"Nuh uh, you're a girl!" Jack said turning to Sammy. Sammy glared, "That doesn't mean nothing! I can protect him just as well as you!"

"You got cooties!"

"DO NOT! MR. APOPHIS JACK'S BEING MEAN TO ME!" Sammy yelled at Apophis. Apophis could see the grins his Jaffa were trying to hide. He growled.

"BRING THEM!" The Jaffa picked up the three children.

"NOOO LEMME GO!" Jack shouted kicking the Jaffa.

"I WANT DADDY!" shouted Sammy. Daniel stayed very quiet his big blue eyes tearing up.

SG1 was thrown into the dungeons of the ship. It was cold and dark. The floors and ceilings made of metal. Daniel sat in the corner hugging his legs making himself as small as possible. Sammy leaned against the wall looking up at the ceiling. Jack paced running his hand through his hair.

"Okay… so …" he said turning to look over at the others, "I'm Jack, and you're Sammy and You're Daniel, okay, so why are we here? What did we do anyways? This Mr. Apophis guy is wacko," Sam looked down and nodded. Daniel pulled himself into a tighter ball, "I'm afraid," he whimpered, "I didn't mean ta wander off," Jack came over and sat beside him putting his arm around the younger boy, "What do you mean Danny?"

"Mommy and Daddy were 'Scavating these ruwins, an Daddy let me sit on the sar-cough-gus an they told me not to wander off but I was curious and so I was just gonna explore a bit but then I got lost and then I was there and I didn't mean to!" Daniel sniffed.

"Hey it's okay Danny we'll figure out where we are, maybe Mr. Apophis will help us," Jack said rubbing Daniel's back.

"Don't be stupid," Sammy said, "Mr. Apophis is a meanie, we gotta get out by ourselves!" she declared.

"How Sammy?" Daniel asked. She came and sat down on Daniel's other side. She flicked her pigtails back, "I dunno yet, but we'll think of somethin',"

"Okay, first chance we get we make a break for it," Jack nodded.

"So…" Sammy said.

"So…" Jack responded, "What school do you go to?"

"I don't go to school," Daniel answered, "My Mommy and Daddy teach me everything."

"Oh that is so cool! You don't have to go to school you just get to stay home all day?"

"No, I don't really have a home, we live at the dig site and we look at all the old stuff."

"Cool! Have you seen a Mummy!" Sam asked.

"Yup! I was there when Mommy found it!" Daniel said with a happy look on his face starting to calm down. He spoke a mile a minute about what he and his parents had found and about all the languages he had learned.

"Wow," Jack said in awe, "You're parents have the coolest job in the world," Jack said. Daniel beamed at him.

"Hey! I have an idea!" Jack said suddenly.

"What?" Sam asked.

"Okay… Danny, I need you to cry, I mean really, really loudly, they can't keep us in here if you're crying right?"

"… But… I don't feel like crying." Daniel frowned.

"Think of something really really really really REALLY sad," Sam said.

"Do I have to?" Daniel asked with a little pout.

"Sam, you cry too," Jack said, "Then Danny won't feel so alone,"

"Why don't you cry too?" Sam asked.

"Cause I'm too old," Jack said as-a-matter-of-factly.

"I'm Eight and a half! I will not cry!" Sammy declared.

"You will too now be a baby and cry!" Jack said.

"I'm not a baby!"

"Yes you are!"

"ARE NOT! YOU'RE A MEANIE!"

"AM NOT!" Shouted Jack pulling one of Sammy's pigtails. She started cry.

"Oww tha… that hurt!" she cried. Daniel joined in.

"Stop fighting!" he cried.

"I didn't mean to!" Jack said starting to sob as well.

"WAH!"

"My lord,"

"What is it?" Apophis turned to the Jaffa in front of him. The Jaffa looked uncomfortable.

"It's… SG1 my lord…"

"What? Are they trying to escape?" Apophis asked. The Jaffa shuffled. Oh it must be bad.

"… no… no my lord… they're… crying," the Jaffa winced.

"Crying… CRYING? SG1 IS CRYING! Why do you come to me for this… this… trivial news?" Apophis asked.

"The Guards, they're going insane my lord, they won't stop!" Apophis gave a shout of frustration, "Bring them here!"

"I wanna go home!" Jack cried.

"Me too!" Sam bawled.

"I want my Mommy and Daddy!" Daniel sobbed.

"YOU WILL BE SILENT!" Apophis yelled. The children were silent for a moment and all burst out crying again. Apophis twitched.

"SG1 stop acting like chi…" Apophis cut himself off, "AMMONET!"

"Yes?" Ammonet said coming into the room. She looked down bemusedly at the children.

"Take… care of them," Apophis ordered.

"I am not a nurse maid," Ammonet said glaring at Apophis,"

"You are my mate and will do as I wish," Apophis argued.

"Beloved, why can not the Jaffa look after the children?"

"They won't," Apophis said pinching the bridge of his nose. The children continued to cry.

"Alright," Ammonet said throwing her hands in the air. She picked up Daniel and took Sam by the hand.

"Come children, we're going to my quarters and our Lord Apophis is cut off for a long, long time,"

"Beloved!" Apophis said wide-eyed. Jack grabbed hold of Sam's hand and they were all led out of the room. Apophis scowled. There was a whipping sound that came behind him. He spun around glowering at the group of Jaffa before him.

"All of you have sanitary duty for a month," Apophis said dead pan stomping out of the room. The Jaffa groaned.

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Ammonet gave a sigh of aggravation, how dare her mate set this task on her. She didn't even like children. Who were these children anyways? Ammonet put Daniel down on her bed and sat down in her chair. Sammy and Jack climbed up beside Daniel who was drying his eyes on his long sleeves. He looked at Ammonet curiously and jumped off the bed going over to her looking up.

"Hi, I'm Danny," he said looking up at her expectant.

"I am Ammonet," she replied. Daniel studied her for a moment.

"You 'mind me of someone," he said thoughtfully. He suddenly gave a sunny grin, "I like you!"

This was definatly a first...

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TBC


	2. Lord Ball

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate SG1 I do however own THESE COOL DICE EARRINGS… hey … come back!

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"I WANT COOKIES!" Jack howled. Ammonet twitched. She didn't know what a cookie was or what it was used for but she was ready to shove it up the ten year old's… they're only children. She used this as a mantra. Jack had been driving her crazy asking for things that she had never heard of. Sammy kept playing with all the things in the room asking if they could watch "T.V." whatever that was. Daniel has sleeping on the bed sucking his thumb, the only one not annoying her.

"I WANT COOKIES!" Sammy shouted a few seconds after Jack.

"Me first!" Jack announced.

"Me first!" Sammy parroted.

"Stop copying me!" Jack protested.

"Stop copying me!" Sammy mocked.

"You're copying ME!"

"You're copying ME!"

"Peter piper pecked a pick of pickled peppers!" Jack said as quickly as he could.

"Peter piper pecked a pick of pickled peppers," Sammy repeated even faster.

"I'm stupid," Jack said thinking he had her.

"You're stupid," Sam agreed.

"HEY THAT'S NOT FAIR!"

"Hey that's not fair!"

"Quit it!"

"Quit it!"

"QUIET! You'll wake him! I don't need three of you running amok in my own chambers!" Ammonet yelled her eyes flashing dangerously. The kids started at her mouths agape.

"Wow…" She heard Daniel mumble from the bed. Damn it…

"THAT WAS SO COOL!" Jack shouted jumping up and down.

"Do it again do it again!" Sammy added forgetting to copy Jack. Ammonet glared at them. Daniel hopped off the bed and looked up at her with his big blue eyes. Eyes that could melt naquada.

"Mrs. Ammynet?" he asked.

"Yes?" she said as calmly as she could; denying to herself that the puppy dog look was working.

"Can I please have something to eat?" he asked, "I'm hungry…" Jack suddenly stopped hopping up and down, "Don't bother Danny, we already asked."

"No you did not," Ammonet said looking at him.

"Yes we did! We asked for cookies and popcorn and chips and baloney and ketchup!" Sam retorted putting her hands on her hips.

"Those are foods?" Ammonet muttered, "Fine, I'll feed you. Come,"

"Jaffa, kree!" Ammonet shouted. Three Jaffa ran and stood in front of her at attention. She spoke rapidly in goa'uld. The Jaffa nodded there heads and went off. Ammonet turned, "I shall return shortly, do nothing when I am gone."

"What did she say?" Jack asked blinking rapidly.

"She said bring food and drink and tell our bewoved to join us," Daniel translated.

"How'd you know that?" Jack asked.

"I dunno… it kinda sounds Giptian… but it's different… but I understood it," Daniel explained.

"Cool! Danny's like an instant translator!" Jack exclaimed, "okay translate Sammy is stupid into … uh… Spanish!"

"STOP BEING SO MEAN!" Sammy shouted.

"Silence," Ammonet commanded coming back in the room.

"Beloved," Apophis said with a hopeful smile.

"Beloved," Ammonet said with cold eyes. The System lord suppressed a wince at the frosty look, "What is it you require of me?"

"Dinner and an Adult conversation," Ammonet muttered. They all sat in the table.

"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW THIS IS SO GROSS!" Sam shouted. Jack sort of moved it around to the sides of his plate, "They're trying to kill us… yuck…" Daniel blinked and carefully stabbed some with his fork putting it in his mouth. Sam and Jack watched. Sam got a grossed out look on her face.

"… Tastes like chicken," the younger boy said eating some more. The two others looked at him in disbelief.

"_Who are these children?" _Ammonet asked in Goa'uld. She was annoyed at the flash of memory of her host's mate stating the same thing the first time they had met. Apophis looked guilty for a moment and then finally.

"They are SG1" Apophis said. Ammonet looked at him in rage. 

"_SG1! What happened to them?" _Ammonet asked. Apophis shrugged.

"_We haven't figured it out yet, but for now, they could be useful." _Apophis explained. Ammonet narrowed her eyes, _"How? They remember nothing of what they become. We should just be done with them and give them to one of the Jaffa families to raise." _

"NO!" Apophis and Ammonet both looked towards Daniel at the same time and then looked back at each other, "Please don't send us away, I wanna go home!" Daniel added. Jack put his hand over Daniel's mouth. It was too late for that though.

"How do you know the language of the Gods?" Apophis growled. Daniel started to tear up. No one had ever yelled at him so much. His parents never yelled at him. They always calmly explained stuff if he had done something wrong. They were going to send them away and then they would never find their parents and never go home.

"I dunno…" Daniel whispered, "Sowy…" he fought back tears.

"Jaffa! Kree!" Apophis yelled. Ammonet looked over at him.

"What are you going to do?" she asked bemusedly.

"He knows more than we thought," Apophis answered, "The information is still there, he just needs help remembering," Apophis smiled evily. Ammonet gave a look of disapproval.

"Leave Danny alone! He didn't know he wasn't allowed to speak your stupid language!" Jack shouted.

"Yeah! Stop yelling at him! He didn't do nothing! What did you say anyways?" Sam added.

"My lord he is just a child," Ammonet said, "He will not survive,"

"It does not matter does it?" Apophis asked, "We will finally rid ourselves of the thorn in our sides that is Doctor Daniel Jackson,"

"It does matter," Ammonet said warningly.

"Because he is your host's former—"

"I don't know if it is that or something else. It is hard to concentrate with her memories screaming in the background. Do not harm him my lord, I warn you," at that Daniel burst into tears.

"Not again!" Apophis winced, "I should torture him just for this!" He hissed putting his hands on his ears glaring at Ammonet.

"MOOOOOMMY!" Daniel sobbed. He started yelling in another language.

"Wonderful, he whines in a butchered version of Abydoian," Apophis muttered.

"Daddydaddydaddydaddymommydaddymommydaddy," Daniel cried.

"SHUT HIM UP!" Apophis yelled. Daniel cried louder. Finally Ammonet scooped him up rocking him back and forth.

"Shh, it's okay, it's okay," Ammonet said pulling memories of tenderness from the mind of her host. Slowly the little boy stopped crying and gave into hiccups still whimpering.

"You're mean! I wanna go home!" Sammy hollered, "RIGHT NOW!"

"You will NOT go home!" Apophis hissed at her.

"This is child abuse!" Sammy argued, "You're not allowed to kidnap us! It's against the law! You can go to jail!"

"Says who?" Apophis asked.

"Says Daddy!" Sammy said crossing her arms.

"Well your Daddy isn't here is he?" Apophis mocked. Sammy scrunched her eyes together went up to Apophis and stomped on his foot.

"OOF!" Apophis cried in surprise, "WHY YOU LITTLE!"

"My Lord, maybe it would be best if you… kept away from the children."

"I'LL HAVE THEM ALL KILLED SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY! NO FOOD, NO WATER… NO BOOKS!" he yelled pointing at Daniel when he said this, "No… REACTORS! OR … OR GUNS! NOTHING! GAHHH!"

"Don' be an ass…" Daniel muttered nuzzling against Ammonet yawning.

"WHAT DID HE JUST SAY! HE KNOWS! THEY'RE PRETENDING! IT'S A TRICK!"

"… jeez… don't have a cow man…" Jack muttered. Sammy gave him a look.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I dunno… it's a saying ain't it?"

"… don't think so…" Sammy muttered.

"My lord," a Jaffa said walking in banging his fist on his shoulder.

"What is it?" Apophis seethed trying not to pull out his own hair.

"Lord Ba'al arrives."

"… LORD BA'AL WHAT?" Apophis screamed.

"Lord Ball? He sounds fun!" Jack put in.

"Ba'al, Ba'al! Lord Ba'al is NOT fun…" Apophis corrected, "This is not good timing," He turned to Ammonet, "put them back in the cell,"

"Nuh uh!" Sammy yelled.

"Uh huh— gah! Now I sound like them!" Apophis twitched.

"We'll cry again!" Sammy threatened. Apophis looked at Ammonet.

"I am required to be there as well," she reminded.

"FINE THEY'LL COME WITH US TO TALK TO LORD BA'AL IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT BELOVED!" She shrugged.

"FINE!" he roared.

* * *

"Apophis," Ba'al said.

"Ba'al," Apophis hissed.

"Ammonet," Ba'al nodded.

"Ba'al," Ammonet sneered.

"… uh… Sammy?" Jack blinked.

"Jack," Sammy nodded.

"Danny,"

"Jack,"

"Ball?" Jack said after a pause.

"It's Ba'al! Shut up!" Apophis hissed.

"Who are these Apophis?" Ba'al asked raising his eyebrow at the small children.

"I'm Daniel Jackson this is Jack O'Neill, Sammy Carter and—well that's it…" Daniel said a bit puzzled by it. Ba'al burst out laughing.

"This…" he laughed, "These are the big bad Tauri that have been causing you so much trouble! I know Tauri are weak, but this!" Ba'al had tears in his eyes from laughing so much.

"Should we be insulted?" Jack asked Sammy. Sammy shrugged.

"It's not what it looks like," Apophis seethed, "They were turned into children.

"Sure they were," Ba'al nodded.

"They were!"

"Uh huh,"

"We were WHAT!" Jack yelled. Apophis looked at him for a few seconds in silence, "… nothing."

"That's not nothing…" growled Jack.

"You will all sit there in silence," Apophis said pointing at a pile of cushions under the table out of sight. All of the children sighed sitting down.

"Now let's just get these negotiations over with." Apophis muttered.

"This bites… I wanna play something…" Jack muttered.

"Like what?" Daniel asked.

"Like… Soldiers!" Jack answered. Daniel gave him a strange look, "I've never played that… why would you want to play soldiers? Daddy tells me to stay away from them…"

"You've never played soldiers? Dear God Danny. Well that settles it we gotta play it now!" Jack said.

"Umm," Daniel muttered.

"I so call leader. Sammy, you're second in command,"

"Why can't I be leader?" She frowned.

"Cause I called it… and you're a girl!"

"THAT DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T BE LEADER JERK!"

"QUIET DOWN THERE!" shouted Apophis.

"Mr. 'Pophis can be the bad guy," Jack continued.

"What about me?" Daniel asked.

"Uh… you can be the smart guy that gives us information and stuff about our surroundings."

"Kay…" Daniel agreed.

"Okay, I'm … Colonel Butch O'Neill,"

"Butch? Where's the Sundance Kid?"

"Shut it Sammy,"

"I'm Major Daisy Carter," Sammy declared.

"Daisy?"

"What's wrong with Daisy?"

"It's girly, it's not a soldier name!"

"Is too! My Daddy knows a Major Daisy,"

"Your Dad's in the army?"

"Yeah, so I know more than you," Jack grimaced at this.

"Fine, whatever, Danny?"

"Oh, uh… Doctor Daniel Jackson," Daniel shrugged not able to think of another name.

"Okay then 'Butch,'" Sammy mocked, "What's the plan oh great leader?"

"Well 'Daisy,' our mission objective is to tie the evil overlord Mr. 'Pophis' shoe laces together. Doctor Jackson, what's the intel on this situation?"

"Uh…" Daniel blinked, "Intel?"

"Information," Jack whispered.

"Oh! Okay, uh, well, he's not that far away and can't see us so he'll be sapwised… but… he's not wearing shoes with laces, he's wearing sandals,"

"Excellent observation Doctor Jackson," Sammy said, "Sir, what about Mr. Apophis' underling, Ba'al?" Sammy suggested. Jack rubbed his chin as if thinking.

"Yes… Lord Ball, he wears boots with laces, good suggestion Major Carter, Doc, is there anything we need to know about Ba'al?"

"Uh… well Ba'al's in the Old Testament… uh he's really big so he should fall good. Uhhhh… other than that nothing… … … uh… sir," Daniel shrugged.

"Right, okay team, listen up… I want you Doctor to go over there and make sure that Lord Mr. 'Pophis doesn't check up on us, if he does wave your hand hoot like an owl. Kay?"

"Kay," Daniel agreed

"Okay, now Major, you'll untie the shoes and I'll tie them, fair?"

"Fair sir," Sammy nodded.

"Right… SG1, move out!" Jack said.

"SG1?" Daniel blinked.

"Oh I get it, it's what Mr. Apophis called us,"

"Oh okay!" Daniel said moving over to his look out spot.

"Come on Carter," Jack said signalling Sammy to move out.

* * *

Hawk: Okay, so the kids have odd memories that they themselves don't understand like Daniel's languages and Jack's reference to the Simpsons. Feed back is super appreciated and reminds me that people are reading this thanks! 


	3. Operation KurPlunk

Disclaimer: They're not mine… aren't they cute though? Don't worry Teal'c's in this story he is not forgotten!

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"Krrsh, this is Rocket Girl to Archaeology Boy, is our position still good? Over." Sammy asked Daniel on a make-believe walkie-talkie. Daniel looked at her in confusion for a moment. She gestured to him with her hands mimicking a walkie-talkie again. 

"Oh! Krrsh, Roger that, this is Archaeology Boy, you're position has not been compromised, you have a go. Uh…Over." Daniel answered.

"Krrsh, this is King Cobra to Rocket Girl and Archaeology Boy, begin operation Kur-plunk! Over and out."

* * *

"So, these children are the famous SG1?" Ba'al asked in amusement. Apophis seethed at the condescending tone in the other System Lords voice. 

"Apparently." he muttered.

"No one will believe you, you know that right?" Ba'al grinned. Apophis growled.

"The little one speaks Goa'uld as well as Doctor Jackson,"

"Impressive, but not proof." Ba'al leaned back smugly, "After all, you said just a moment ago that and I quote, 'The oldest one is as annoying as Jack O'Neill,' it may be true, but it proves nothing at all."

* * *

Daniel was getting a bit bored on look out and crawled looking around. On Apophis' leg was a holster. 

"Weird…" he muttered taking out the strangely shaped… thing… Apophis scratched his leg and Daniel quickly jumped back.

"Krrsh, This is King Cobra, to Archaeology Boy, mission complete, we still clear? Over."

* * *

"I shall retire to my quarter's now, have fun with the children," Ba'al said smugly stepping forward… and falling over. Apophis eyes nearly burst out of his skull. Ammonet concealed a laugh. Apophis snickered. 

"Very graceful Ba'al." he said.

"YOU LITTLE BRATS!"

"UH! Our position is compromised… uh… hoot? Over!" Daniel said jumping back. Sammy knocked into Jack. Ba'al grabbed the two by their collars and pulled them out from under the table.

"I should wring your necks. How dare you tie the shoe laces of A GOD TOGETHER?" Daniel crawled out from under the table his hands behind his back.

"We're vewy sowy…" he said softly. Ba'al sneered dropping the older two.

"And YOU!" Daniel threw his hands up over his face as Ba'al came forward accidentally triggering the zat gun in his hands. Ba'al fell to the ground.

"OH MY GOD YOU KILLED HIM!" Jack screamed in horror.

"I didn't mean to!" Daniel chewed his trembling lip, "I—I… I'm sowy…"

Apophis was rolling on the floor cackling now. Ammonet looked at him disapprovingly shaking her head. She picked up Daniel taking the Zat out of his hands.

"You didn't kill him… he's just… asleep…" she took the zat out of his hands putting it on the table.

"Oh," Jack said walking over to Ba'al. He poked him on the forehead, "Hey, you asleep?" Sammy joined the poking.

"STOP THAT!" Ba'al suddenly shouted. Sammy and Jack jumped back.

"Sorry Ball!" Jack said cheerfully.

"It's BA'AL!"

"Yes sir Mr. Ball," Jack agreed.

"Ba'al!" Bal-- Ba'al shouted.

"I know, I gottcha," Jack nodded. Ba'al scowled at him.

"GET THE HELL OFF THE FLOOR YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING, EGOTISTICAL, ASS!" Ba'al yelled at Apophis who was still on the floor.

"That's a bad word." Daniel said solemnly from Ammonet's arms, seemingly forgetting that he called Apophis that an hour ago. Ba'al twitched at him about ready to shoot the little boy... even if he was too damn cute…

"Haha—you—you—can't even haha… stand up against---hee hee—children! And you call—HAHAHA—ME good for—haha—nothing?—GAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"It's not funny!" Ba'al roared, "They're SG1!"

"Oh NOW they're SG1?"

"YOU WILL GIVE ME THOSE CHILDREN SO THAT I CAN DESTROY THEM!" Ba'al shouted.

"Jeez it was just a prank…" muttered Jack.

"Maybe he's playing too?" Daniel suggested looking down at his friends.

"Oh, Daniel's got a good point," Sammy agreed.

"You'll never destroy us Lord Ball!" Jack said instantly falling back into his roll.

"It's BA'AL!"

"Same diff," Sammy shrugged.

"You're only children! You cannot stop me from doing anything!" Ba'al said taking out a zat and pointing it at Jack.

"Uh… Jack…I don't think he's pwaying…" Daniel said softly. There was suddenly an explosion of a staff weapon. The children screamed. Ammonet dropped Daniel who ran over to his friends.

"Jaffa! Kree!" Apophis shouted angrily (still trying to stifle his laugher). Jaffa stormed in.

"It's cavalry! Go, go, go!" Jack shouted seeing the guy who shot the staff weapon and running towards him. Daniel and Sammy followed quickly. The huge man put Daniel on his shoulders and the other two in his arms telling them to hold on. Suddenly they were gone.

* * *

Hawk: … poor Ball… 

Ba'al: IT'S BA'AL AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (runs off to go destroy all bouncy balls in vicinity)

Hawk: … pent up rage…don't forget to **review** if you like it!


	4. Evil Carpenter Ants from Outer Space

Disclaimer: Indeed, I do not own stargate… and neither do the False Gods.

Hawk: Well I just found out I shot myself in the foot (not literally) because of the time frame, Ammonet is alive and there are all these different episodes that come after her death that I want to refer too… so I might just do that and to heck with the consequences… but if you have any input on my problem let me know.

* * *

There was a beam of light and the children found themselves in a dark room with strange lights. 

"O'Neill," a small being said.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ALIEN!" Sammy shouted.

"IT'S AN EVIL MUTATED CARPENTER ANT FROM THE PLANET MARS! THEY'VE READ OUR MINDS AND ARE GOING TO FEED US TO THEIR YOUNG TO MULTIPLY!" Jack screamed. The children ran behind the Jaffa that saved them; hiding behind his legs as fast as they could.

"This is indeed a problem," the Alien said blinking once.

"Who are you?" Daniel asked poking his head out from behind the Jaffa's leg. He had never seen anything like this creature. Small and gray with a large head and huge black eyes. Was it some kind of monster? What was an Alien? He had never heard of that kind of thing.

"I am Thor,"

"PLEASE DON'T PROBE US!" Sammy yelled.

"OR EAT OUR BRAINS!" Jack added.

"… Thor as in the God of Thunder…?" Daniel blinked slowly coming out from behind the Jaffa's legs. Jack grabbed him and pulled him back. He studied the alien carefully, "… I'd thought you'd be taller…" he muttered, "And hairier…"

"Danny! You don't talk to it unless you beg for your life… you don't call it short!" Jack exclaimed, "He's an evil alien that's about to eat us!"

"…how do you know?" Daniel asked, "He doesn't look like he wants ta eat us…"

"That's because—" Jack paused and poked his head out giving Thor a questioning look, "Uh… are you… going to eat us I mean?"

"I am not O'Neill," Thor answered.

"Or probe us?" Sammy added.

"No,"

"Then what's the problem?" Daniel asked coming out from behind the Jaffa, "I'm Daniel, nice to meet you Thor," Thor bowed his head, a thoughtful gesture.

"You do not remember me?" he asked.

"Uh… no… I think we would remember you buddy," Jack answered still saying close to the Jaffa. He then looked up at the large man suddenly realizing.

"Wait a minute… who are you?" He asked jumping back from the Jaffa pointing an accusing finger at him.

"I am Teal'c, O'Neill… do you not remember?" Teal'c asked.

"Uhhhhhhhhh…no…" Jack muttered scratching his head.

"It is as I feared…" Thor muttered tilting his head to the side studying the children.

"What is Mr. Alien Ant thing… sir?" Sammy asked.

"They were not cloned…" Thor answered still thoughtful.

"And this is bad—why?" Jack asked.

"How can you be sure?" asked Teal'c.

"Because they have no memory of us. All clones have the memory of they one they were cloned after."

"Yeah… that makes sense." Jack said sarcastically.

"There is not much change in O'Neill is there…" Thor commented. Teal'c quirked his eyebrow holding back a smile.

"What are we to do?" Teal'c asked, "they cannot stay like this,"

"Stay like what?" Jack asked and was once again ignored.

"It must have something to do with the planet that you visited. There must have been an artifact of some sort that did this to them… though… it is outside Asgard knowledge. That in itself is disturbing… we will look into this," Thor declared.

"Well that's just great…" Jack muttered, "Now… if you'll be so kind Mr. Alien… WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!"

"I'm afraid there is no time to explain O'Neill, it is time for you to go,"

"What do you mean—"

They suddenly disappeared… again.

* * *

"By that…" Jack finished, "wow… I have the feeling that he does that a lot…" 

"Déjà vu?" asked Daniel.

"Bless you," Jack answered absentmindedly.

"Where are we?" Sammy asked looking around.

"Looks like inside a pywamid… only shinier…" Daniel commented looking around at the gold room covered in hieroglyphs.

"We are on a cargo ship heading to a planet with a Stargate," Teal'c explained.

"… I understood, 'we are on a cargo ship,' 'heading to a' and 'with a…'" Jack muttered.

"Do not worry O'Neill, I will find a way to change you back into your original forms."

"Okay, I think you got the wrong people, one, this is my original form. Two how the heck'd we get in space? Three you can't tell me what to do. Four how come that giant space ant mutant guy knew my name? And five WHERE'S MY MOM AND DAD!" The big Jaffa knelt down in front of the upset boy.

"You must be calm O'Neill." he said putting his hand on the boy's shoulder, "We will set everything right, it is a promise." Suddenly a voice erupted in a string of Goa'uld.

"Uhoh…" Daniel muttered.

"What did it say?" Jack asked, "What do you mean Uhoh!"

"Uh… it says enemies approaching with charged weapons… I didn't figure it was a good thing." Daniel replied.

"Oh… crud…" Jack stated.

"It is Heru'ur…" Teal'c muttered.

"Uh… is like… all the Giptian gods out to get us?" Daniel muttered covering his ears from the loud alarms going off.

"Indeed." Teal'c replied manning the controls. The ship shook.

"Woahaaaahh!" Jack fell over.

"Are you alright O'Neill?" Teal'c said not taking his eyes off the screens and scanners flashing angry red.

"Yeah, Sammy broke my fall."

"GET OFF!"

"We have been hit…" Teal'c said, "I do not know if I can land the ship safely." he got up running towards the engine room.

"Hey! Wait up!" Jack yelled. The children ran after him. They got there in time to see Teal'c pull out some crystals.

"Pretty…" Daniel commented.

"There is nothing I can do… our shields and our hyperdrive as well as weapons are down. We will have to surrender or face destruction." Teal'c said with little emotion.

"Move aside," Sammy said stepping up beside Teal'c. She had to look up to see the crystal's properly, "Uh… actually, pick me up…" Teal'c did as he was told and picked the girl up.

"If we calibrate the crystals, and unify the charge, we can instigate a power surge that will—"

"Sammy," Jack interrupted, "Can you fix it or not?"

"Yep," Sammy replied cracking her fingers. The girl worked as quickly as she could to get the crystals back online. They took another hit.

"Gaaaah…" Daniel said spinning his arms around to regain his balance.

"Didn't sound good," he commented.

"Come on," Jack ordered grabbing Daniel's arm pulling him to the control room.

"I need you to tell me what all these weird letters say Danny, can you do it?" Jack asked. Daniel adjusted his glasses poking his head up looking at the consul. He had to get on tiptoes to see it all.

"Yeah…" he said hesitantly, "Help me up on the chair. Jack climbed up pulling the younger boy up with him.

"Okay, just tell me what it all says." Jack directed.

"What are you gonna do?" Daniel asked.

"I'm gonna fly it, what do you think I'm gonna do?" Jack said giving Daniel a look.

"You can't fly it! You're just a kid!" Daniel replied.

"Yeah, well you're just a kid and you can read weird languages that I've never even heard of, and Sammy's just a kid and she can fix an alien spaceship. Mark my words; something fishy's going on. I'm just a kid, but I have the strangest feeling that I can fly this thing, so what do I do Danny?" Daniel explained which buttons do what.

"Okay, it's no B-52, but it manoeuvres nicely," Jack commented as he dodged the next onslaught of weapons fire.

* * *

Hawk: Thank you to all who have reviewed and keep doing it  I feel so inspired that so many people like this story. 

Oh and the giant Carpenter Ant thing came from my mom… she's insane… and has a thing against bugs… and saw the Asgard and commented about Giant Carpenter Ants so there ya go.

As well I have no knowledge of planes whatsoever so I put the name of the first plane I could find on the internet that had to do with the air force **-.-;;;**

Oh and lastly Daniel doesn't know about Aliens because no one ever told him about it… yeah lame excuse but it could happen!

So until next chapter loyal readers (salutes)


	5. Are We There Yet?

Disclaimer: For crying out loud Stargate isn't mine! Leave me alone!

Hawk: So I'm gonna ignore my little time frame problem for now until I can think of something, hope no one cares too much.

* * *

"I think I'm gonna be sick…" Daniel muttered.

"Not when you're sitting on ME Danny!" Jack yelled.

"O'Neill! What are you doing?" Teal'c asked coming into the room with Sammy following close behind.

"Uh… taking evasive action?" Jack answered. Teal'c quickly went to the control console and pressed some buttons.

"Shields are back on line," Sammy said brightly, "As well as weapons. Daniel hopped off the chair.

"What are we gonna do now?" Daniel asked. Teal'c lifted Jack off the pilot seat.

"Hey! I was doing okay!" Jack complained.

"We must get to a safe planet. There is one near here with a stargate.

"Rock and Roll T-man!" Jack said.

"… that was incredibly lame…" Sam muttered.

"What did you say!" Jack yelled.

"Nothing…"

"… I heard somthin…"

"O'Neill, MajorCarter! You must stop bickering at once!" Teal'c ordered trying to concentrate on flying.

"What are we supposed ta do then?" Jack asked.

"Wait patiently while I get us to the planet safely," Teal'c said calmly.

"Oh, okay," Jack agreed. There was as short pause, before:

"So… are we there yet?" Jack inquired.

"We are not, it will take one hour and thirty minutes and twenty five seconds," Teal'c replied.

"Are we there now?" Sam asked after a moment.

"We are not there yet, as I have already told O'Neill, it will take one hour thirty minutes and ten seconds," Teal'c answered.

"How bout now?" Daniel asked trying to see over the control consul, "Has it been an hour and thirty minutes now?"

"No," Teal'c answered bluntly, "It will now take one hour twenty nine minutes and fifty-five seconds."

"Are we there yet?" The children asked all together.

"No, one hour twenty nine minutes and fifty seconds,"

"Are we there yet?"

"No, one hour twenty nine minutes and forty-six seconds,"

"Are we there yet?"

"No, one hour twenty nine minutes and thirty-nine seconds,"

"Are we there yet?"

"We are not, there is still one hour twenty nine minutes and thirty-two seconds."

The children looked at each other in exasperation, "Are we there yet?"

"It will take one hour and twenty-eight minutes exactly before we are there,"

"T-man… you're good," Jack said pointing to the Jaffa giving him a look. Teal'c raised his eyebrow.

"I do not know what you are referring to O'Neill," Teal'c said suppressing a small smile. He, after all had a child of his own.

* * *

"We are finally here," Teal'c announced as the space ship landed.

"Sweet!" Jack cheered, "Can we go outside and play? Please Mr. Teal'c can we? Can we!"

"You cannot play, we must get to the Stargate before nightfall, this planet is very dangerous."

"Why?" Sammy asked. Teal'c opened the door and they stepped out of the ship finding themselves in a clearing.

"Because it is filled with dangerous beings," Teal'c replied.

"Why?" Sammy persisted. Teal'c looked down at her raising his eyebrow.

"Because this is where they live MajorCarter," Teal'c explained leading them through the forest.

"Why do you call her Major Carter? She's not actually a Major you know," Jack whispered to Teal'c, "We were just playing,"

"What would you have me call her O'Neill?"

"Uh… Dirt face," Jack answered with a grin as if it was the most obvious answer in the world.

"JAAAAAAACK!" Sammy yelled hitting the older boy on the head.

"Oww! Mr. Teal'c Sammy hit me!"

"Did not!"

"Did to!"

"Did not!"

"Did to!"

"Did!"

"Didn't!"

"You will stop your bickering with SammyCarter now O'Neill," Teal'c ordered.

"She started it!"

"Did not!" Teal'c suddenly stopped holding up his hand.

"What is it T-man?" asked Jack looking around forgetting about the argument.

"We are being followed…" Teal'c answered looking around suspiciously, "DOWN!" A blast shot out towards them. Teal'c pulled them down. The children screamed. The blast hit a nearby tree, and a branch fell hitting Teal'c on the head knocking him unconscious.

"Mr. Teal'c!" Sammy shouted, "Mr. Teal'c are you okay!" Daniel gave Teal'c a little push, "Mr. Teal'c?" He asked worriedly.

"Hide!" Jack commanded pulling the two away from Teal'c.

"What about Mr. Teal'c? We can't just leave him here can we!" Sammy snapped.

"We have to, those guys are coming, don't worry, we'll come back for him, we won't leave him behind, but we can't do anything for him if we're captured too!" He pulled the two younger children in to a hollow tree stump. They watched as strange soldiers with bird helmets grabbed Teal'c pulling him away.

"This is horrible," Sammy said tears in her eyes.

"How can we save Mr. Teal'c?" Daniel asked softly, "He's captured by those scawy guards, we're only kids…"

"We're gonna die, I want my Daddy and Mommy," Sam sniffed.

"Hey! We can't give up now!" Jack said, "We're SG1, we're great warriors. Besides, you and Danny know stuff that not even a lot of grown-ups know! With you guys's brains and my plans, we'll be able to save the T-man!"

"With you Jack," Daniel said looking up into Jack's eyes, "Trust you," Jack grinned at the younger boy.

"Thanks Danny,"

"Yup, I trust ya too… but what are we gonna do?" Sammy frowned.

"Shhh, someone's coming," Jack whispered putting a finger to his lips.

"Damn it, those Unas couldn't have gone far!" the first man said passing the stump leaning on it tiredly.

"Damn beasts, don't worry, we'll find 'em and make sure others of their kind will never join this so called 'slave rebellion'" there was a high pitched sound and a shot of blue electricity and the two men fell to the ground. Jack covered Sammy and Daniel's mouths. His eyes widened as he saw it: a huge green … thing… wearing furs with a skull necklace.

"Oh my God," Jack whispered. He felt the two younger children draw in closer to him. The monster sniffed the air.

"… Daaaaan'aaaal?" he growled. Daniel huddled closer to Jack tears in his eyes. It continued to sniff going right to the stump its head sticking in.

"Dannnnnn'aaaal?" It asked. If Jack didn't know any better he would say that the monster thing looked… surprised.

"Please don't hurt us," Daniel whispered. The big monster thing made a bunch of clucking noises.

"Chakaaaaa, Dan'al, Ka Nay, Shesh…"

"He… he knows me…" Daniel whispered.

"Dan'al Shesh," it said again.

"He said that he doesn't understand…" Daniel whispered.

"Are you saying you can UNDERSTAND him?" Jack exclaimed.

"Ja'k," the beast snorted.

"IT KNOWS **ME** NOW? AHH IT CAN READ OUR MINDS!" Jack yelled.

"Dan'al Kel?" It growled again. It paused when Daniel didn't answer, "Chaka, Dan'al, Kel?"

"It's asking… why… or how… uh, I'm not sure…I think his name is Chaka…"

"Chaka," the monster said looking beseechingly at Daniel.

"Can you talk back?" Jack asked.

"I… I think so…" Daniel replied.

"Well, tell him… uh… don't eat us,"

"Chaka… Ka… nan?" Daniel said unhappily. Chaka blinked.

"Ka Nan Dan'al," Chaka replied, "Dan'al Ka nay,"

"What did it say?" Jack whispered trying not to make any sudden movements.

"Uh… loosely translated, it said: No eat Daniel, Daniel tribe member," Daniel said.

"You are?" Jack blinked.

"I dunno…" Daniel shrugged, "I could be wrong."

"He didn't happen to mention me and Sammy in the not eating list of things did he?" Jack asked worriedly. There was an explosion from far away.

"Danel, Ko Ka Cha!"

"He says we have to go, ahh!" Daniel shouted as Chaka scooped him out of the tree stump putting him on his back.

"Sha nat ka keka," Chaka explained.

"He says he must help us escape… death?" Daniel said uncertainly holding on tightly to Chaka's neck. Chaka scooped up Sammy next.

"EEEEEEEK!" Sammy squealed.

"Sha nat," Chaka growled, "Dan'al ka nak, Chaka ka nak,"

"He said to stop fighting, he said, Daniel friend, Chaka friend." Chaka moved Sammy on to his left shoulder.

"How did you make friends with this guy Danny?" Jack asked as he was picked up and put on Chaka's right shoulder.

"I have no idea…" Daniel mumbled his grip tightening around Chaka's neck as the Unas started running.

* * *

Hawk: everything Chaka said was translated by Daniel and I actually used real Unas (I'm so very proud of myself) though I might have misused some words : ) ahhh the internet, it shows you everything : ) Please **Review! **And THANKS to all that have done so already: ) 


	6. We Got Sticks, He's Got Unas

Disclaimer: If my calculations are correct then I do not own Stargate SG1 or any of its characters… maybe in an alternate reality…

* * *

The children were taken to a small cave.

"More of them!" Sammy yelped. There were two Unas standing at the door. A big one growled.

"Chakaaaa,"

"Chaaaakaaa, Ka nan tok!" Chaka commanded.

"Translation?" Jack asked. Daniel tilted his head.

"Uh… Hi, get out of my way," Daniel said holding on to Chaka's neck for dear life.

"Oh… how nice…" Jack commented.

"'Umans, Nak!" the big unas declared.

"Uh… oh uhoh…" Daniel muttered, "He said humans enemy…"

"Uhoh is right," Jack muttered.

"Dan'al a 'Tok 'Uman," Chaka growled.

"Daniel is a human different than the rest … or a better human… um, not too sure…" Daniel muttered chewing his lip.

"Kel kor tar?" the Unas sniffed Daniel suspiciously. Daniel made himself as small as he could.

"Danny, what did he say?" Jack asked, "Are we on the lunch menu?"

"Uh… it… he… I guess… asked if he could twust us…" Daniel ducked behind Chaka.

"Dan'al Ka Nay," Chaka replied.

"Um… Daniel tribe member…" Daniel muttered.

"Yeah, I'm still kinda confused about that," Jack glared. Daniel shrugged helplessly.

"Dan'al ka nay?" the other Unas said looking confused. It started sniffing Jack and Sammy with a snort of distrust.

"Ka keka," Chaka warned. The other Unas finally moved out of the way bowing his head.

"Don't kill…" Daniel muttered.

"That's a small relief…" Jack muttered. Chaka walked through the cave. It was filled with Unas of different sizes and shapes. They all looked at the humans curiously. Some coming close and sniffing. Chaka growled at them and they backed off.

"Chaka's obviously the boss," Jack commented looking around at the Unas. "AHH!" he shouted being dropped on a pile of furs. Sammy and Daniel followed soon after.

"Sammy get off me!" Jack groused. Sammy sniffed, "You can't tell me what to do."

"I'm oldest."

"Chaka's oldest," she retorted with a grin.

"You're gonna listen to the Dinosaur-man and NOT me!"

"Yup." Jack fumed. Chaka sniffed Daniel again and carefully patted Daniel on the head.

"Lota," Chaka said patting the ground waiting for a reply.

"Uh… umm… Sha," Daniel said nodding. Chaka moved to leave, "Oh! and… uh, A ka," Chaka patted Daniel on the head again and went off.

"Uh… what did you say… what did he say for that matter?" Sammy asked.

"He said to stay here and I said okay and then I said thanks," Daniel explained. Jack rolled his eyes.

"Well at least you were polite…" he muttered, "Darn, how are we gonna get out of here? They're like a hundred feet tall and they can smell us apparently." Sammy smirked.

"Well ya do need a bath Jack,"

"Shut it Sammy,"

"Maybe they can help…" Daniel suggested tentatively, "I mean… they're weally big right? So they can help us save Mr. Teal'c."

"Why would these guys wanna help us?" Jack asked running his hand through his hair, "We're just some human kids and apparently humans are their enemies!"

"Well Chaka does seem to like Daniel, and he seems to be the boss here," Sammy pointed out, "Daniel can try to convince Chaka that we need help. We can track those guys and then save Mr. Teal'c," Sammy slammed her fist into her palm. Jack sighed playing with the edge of the fur he was sitting on.

"It's a good plan, but those other big guys don't seem to like humans too much." Jack pointed out rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

"They trust Mr. Chaka though," Daniel said softly, "And Chaka trusts us looks like… so… maybe he can get them to help us."

"Okay… but it wouldn't hurt to make some more friends, Daniel, you try to win over the heart of any Unas that passes, Sammy, you and me haveta try and look cute." Sammy raised her eyebrow.

"You? Cute?" she asked giving Jack a sceptical look.

"You're no Olsen twin yourself," Jack scowled crossing his arms. Daniel giggled. Sammy glared at him.

"Whose side are you on?"

"Um… a chaaaakaa!" Daniel said to the first Unas that walked by. Sammy twitched.

"Who's the Olsen twins?" Sammy griped.

"Erm… I don't know, some famous people?" Jack asked. Sammy shrugged.

"Whatever…"

"Chaakaa," the Unas said looking down at Daniel.

"Te Daniel," Daniel said giving a little wave.

"Dan'al,"

"Um… yeah, close enough," Daniel muttered, "Jack, and Sammy," He said pointing to his friends. Jack and Sammy gave huge smiles. Daniel coughed to cover a laugh. Jack glared at him.

"Ja'k… Sa'Me," it pronounced. It pointed at it's self, "Orsh'ak," Daniel nodded smiling brightly, "Ka nak, Orsh'ak,"

"Ka Nak," it said nodding its head.

"I think we're making prowgress," Daniel beamed.

"That's great," Sammy said, "But what does this accomplish?"

"Cho'ee'che" Daniel said gesturing to the ground. The Unas sat. Jack and Sammy jumped back a bit.

"What are you doing?" Jack asked.

"I'm gonna tell her—"

"That's a HER!"

"Yes…"

"… Just checking…"

"Anyways, I'm gonna tell her about what happened,"

"Knock yourself out," Jack said resting his cheek on his hand.

"Should we continue to look cute Mr. Olsen Twin?"

"Shut it Sammy…"

* * *

By the time Daniel was done most of the Unas in the cave had gathered around listening. Chaka was near the entrance watching carefully.

"And so that's why you gotta help us save Mr. Teal'c," Daniel finished in English with a beseeching look staring up at the Unas with his big blue eyes.

"Can Danny work a room or what?" Jack muttered to Sammy. Sammy nodded in agreement.

"Tar man kan ko tonok tok onac?" Daniel asked loudly standing up, "Will you help us fight the Goa'uld?"

"Sha," Chaka said from the back. The other Unas looked at him.

"Sha," Orsh'ak added. The other Unas in the room started chanting ,"Sha"

"I take it it's a yes?" Jack asked with a huge grin.

"Yup," Daniel replied happily.

"So," said Sammy, "We got ourselves an army of huge aliens, do you think that'll be enough?"

"I think so…" Daniel said, "I mean… the goa'uld, they have better weapons, that's what Orsh'ak told me, but there are more Unas and Unas fight with honour and they won't give up until the clan member is saved."

"Mr. Teal'c's a member of their clan?" Sammy blinked.

"No… but he's a member of OUR clan and I'm a part of their clan… so he's technically part of their clan…" Daniel paused, "Did that make sense?"

"I got it," Jack shrugged, "Okay, now that we've established a kick butt army how do we find T-man?"

"They can sniff 'em out," Daniel said, "But we don't want any Unas to get hurt… we need a plan." Jack grinned.

"That's what I'm here for Danny. Tell them what I say, kay?"

* * *

"Why do I have to be the bait?" Sammy complained.

"Cause you're a—" Daniel reached up and covered Jack's mouth.

"Cause you can run faster than Jack and I need to translate." he explained, "Oh, and your voice is louder." Sammy grinned.

"Thanks Daniel, I'm glad SOMEONE has confidence in my abilities!"

"I have confidence…" Jack objected, "Loud as a banshee you ar—" Daniel covered Jack's mouth again.

"What Jack's saying is good luck," Daniel said brightly. Sammy gave them a thumbs up and went into the woods.

"AIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" She screamed, "I WANT MY MOMMY AND DADDY! I WANNA GO HOME! WAAAAAAAHHHH! MR. TEAL'C I WANNA GO HOOOME!" Jack put his fingers in his ears.

"Told'ya she can scream like a banshee…" He muttered, "Okay, now we play the waiting game."

It wasn't too long before they heard the sound of armoured feet trampling towards Sammy.

"EEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!" Sammy screamed running off.

"KREE!" the bird headed guys shouted.

"NOW!" Jack shouted.

"KEKA!" Daniel yelled. A rope net pulled up with the three bird head guys inside. Jack gave a loud whoop grabbing Daniel's hand. On the way towards the hanging Jaffa he picked up a stick.

"So, guys, let's talk, where's T-man?" Jack asked. The bird headed guys growled at them. Sam stuck out her tongue.

"We were defeated by three small children?" one of them asked incredulously. Jack poked him with a stick.

"Hey, yo, you guys listening? Where's Teal'c?" Jack demanded giving another poke. Sammy picked up a stick and started poking one of the other ones.

"And what shall you do if we do not tell you little boy—cease poking me you insolent urchin!" the leader snarled at Jack.

"Welllllll… me… I'll continue poking you," Jack explained, "So will she," he said nodding his head over to Sammy.

"We are Jaffa, this is nothing to us," the leader declared.

"Well fine then, Daniel?" Jack said after poking the Jaffa again.

"Um," Daniel said, "I think you'd better tell us where Mr. Teal'c is."

"Oh, the little one demands this of us now?" the leader laughed, "I am so afraid."

"I would be," Jack grinned nastily.

"Why do you say that Tauri?" the leader asked.

"Well… he doesn't have a stick…" Jack said. The tribe of Unas came out from the woods all of them growling and giving the Jaffa evil looks.

"He has an army of Unas that happen to really like him and will attack on command, isn't that right Danny?" Jack asked pleasantly.

"Yup," Daniel answered nodding emphatically. The Jaffa paled visibly.

* * *

"Hey, Jack, we wouldn't really let Mr. Chaka and his family eat them right?" Daniel asked. Jack paused, "Ummm… no… well… I don't know, anyways, we know exactly where T-man's is being held now thanks to them." He grinned, "Plus we got to poke 'em some more." Sammy rolled her eyes, "Get on with it oh mightly leader," Jack puffed out his chest with an insulted look.

"No respect…" he muttered, "Okay, here's the plan. We're are gonna sneak in cause the Bird Dudes said that there was a ventilation shaft or something or other that we'll fit into, meanwhile, our Unas friends are gonna distract the other guards. Chaka will join us as soon as he can. Right?"

"Right," Daniel nodded. He hugged himself, "Uh, Jack, how are we gonna get Mr. Teal'c outta there? We can't beat up the guards, they're too big…"

"We're bringing the phaser thingies," Jack explained holding up a zat, "Chaka provided us with some. Sides, Sammy's sure that she can hotwire and security, right?"

"Uh huh," Sammy confirmed.

"Okay troops, let's move out… uh… Daniel?"

"Oh, right, KO UNAS!" he shouted.

* * *

Hawk: not much to say. Last few chapters have been a bit more serious than the first but it'll get back to more comedy pretty soon. **Read and Review**! Tell me what you think, thanks guys. 


	7. ACHOOOO!

Disclaimer: This is fascinating: Stargate has gone on for nine seasons… though… I still don't own it…

Hawk: I'm very surprised that no one's called me on all the continuity mistakes (and not just Ammonet there are other much smaller ones bonus points if you can find them) but thanks for being understanding, remember it's a comedy, it doesn't have to make sense!

* * *

Jack held his finger to his lips to signal silence. He looked around. The weird pyramid ship thingy was landed in the middle of a large clearing. Behind it was a cliff.

"Okay, here's what I want, half the Unas go up on those cliffs and –"

"AAAAAACCCCCCCCCHOOOOOOOOOOO!" Daniel covered his mouth, "Oops…" he sniffed, "I guess I deed by bedison…"

"Danny!" Jack twitched.

"Sowwy Jag," Daniel mumbled. Jack sighed, "That's okay," he said with a bit of irritation in his voice, "Okay, let's get this show on the road, tell some of them to go up on that cliff and attack from there, the rest will be down here and will storm in once we open the door, kay?"

"Right," The other's agreed. Daniel gave a small sneeze and then told the Unas what he wanted them to do. Some grunted in response and went towards the cliff.

"Okay, come on troops," Jack said leading the other two to the back of the ship. They easily slipped by the Jaffa patrols.

* * *

The Children crawled towards the small passageway at the back of the ship.

"Okay, Sammy, you take point, Daniel's in the middle, I'm last, be as quiet as you can—"

"ACHOOOO!" Jack looked pointedly at Daniel. Daniel sniffed and nodded.

"Jeez, it's lucky we didn't try to fit Chaka in here, he'd get stuck," muttered Sammy.

"Why? Are you too big?" Jack asked.

"You calling me fat?"

"No… you're as skinny as a rod and twice as ugly, now can we please get on with this?"

"We're not going anywhere until you apologise, that was mean Jack," Sammy pulled herself out of the small opening shaking out her pigtails in disgust. She crossed her arms looking at him expectantly.

"Oh fer crying out loud!" Jack twitched, "I am NOT apologizing you can't make me," he said turning his back to her crossing his own arms. Daniel looked at them both.

"Bu' guys we godda save Bister Teal'c!" Daniel protested.

"Not until he admits he was being a jerk," Sammy sniffed in disgust.

"Not until she gets over herself," Jack replied. Daniel frowned unhappily.

"I bet you lige each other," Daniel said suddenly.

"WHAT?" the two yelled turning to Daniel.

"We do NOT!" Sammy yelled.

"Take that back Danny!" Jack demanded. Daniel gave them both a small grin.

"Jag and Sabie sittin' in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes lob, then cobes barriage,"

"Then comes you knocked into next week if you don't cut it out! We're just friends! Besides I'm her commanding officer… and that's just ewwww!"

"Commanding officer?" Sammy asked.

"Huh?" Jack blinked.

"You said you were my commanding officer," Sammy clarified.

"No I didn't…" Jack muttered, "You misheard me… anyways we're just friends, right Sammy?"

"Yeah," Sammy said nodding emphatically, "No way I'm ever gonna marry a loser like Jack,"

"Hey!"

"Okay, you're even now. Can we save Bister Teal'c pul-eeeez?" Daniel asked impatiently.

"Yeah, okay, sorry Sammy,"

"I'm sorry too Jack…"

"Oh and for the record I don't think you guys like each other I just wanted you to stop acting lig an ol' barried couple," Daniel explained.

"Buried couple?" Sammy asked as she crawled into the vent.

"No, Barried, Barried," Daniel replied following after.

"We do not act like a married couple." Jack muttered catching on.

"Do too," Daniel said.

"Do not,"

"Do too,"

"Do not!"

"Too,"

"Not,"

"Too,"

"Not—"

"Now who's acting like a married couple?" Sam snickered.

"Carter that's just wrong!"

"Jack and Danny sittin—"

"Shut it Sabie," Daniel muttered.

* * *

The three had been crawling in silence for the last few minutes agreeing never to say one of them liked another again. They came to a small vent. Jack looked through.

"My lord, the Unas continue their attack on us, there is many of them, what would you have us do?" a Jaffa asked a bald man. The bald man stood up and his eyes flashed.

"Continue to fight, destroy them," he commanded.

"That must be the Goa'uld," Jack said quietly, "Be very quiet,"

"Ahh—ahh—AHH—" Jack quickly stuck his finger under Daniel's nose. They waited a few seconds and they all breathed a sigh of relief.

"ACHOOOO!" Sammy and Daniel stared at Jack in horror.

"And after all those times I told Danny not to sneeze," Jack winced rubbing his nose. The bald man was up and at the vent before Jack could say 'Giant Mutated Carpenter Ants from Outer space.' The vent was pulled open with inhuman strength Jack and Sammy were pulled out. Daniel crawled to the far edge so that the Goa'uld couldn't see him.

"What are you two doing poking around there?" the man growled.

"Nothin," Jack replied trying not to look worried.

"Oh?" The Goa'uld sneered. Sammy glared at him.

"Yup," she clarified, "What he said,"

"What were you doing there?" he asked, his eyes flashing.

"Name rank and serial number Sammy," Jack ordered. The Goa'uld held Jack against the wall.

"What. Were. You. Doing," the Goa'uld said stressing each word.

"It was a dare," Jack said not looking into the cold eyes of Heru'er.

"A… 'dare?'"

"Yeah, jeez what planet are you from?" Jack winced as he said it, "A dare is like a challenge, and we are not chicken, right Sammy?"

"Right," Sammy said crossing her arms, "Put 'em down!" Sammy demanded.

"You do not order your God to do anything," Heru'er said letting Jack drop and turning to face Sammy.

"Meh, your mother was a Tok'ra," Sammy spat. Heru'er stared at her in rage. His eyes flashed, "I shall put you both in the deepest darkest cell on this ship and you will think twice about insulting your God!" Jack and Sammy were dragged away towards the dungeons.

"Oh no…" Daniel whispered to himself. He began to crawl again as fast as he could. He had to find a way out of these vents to find Mr. Teal'c and his friends.

* * *

"Darn it!" Jack yelled beating his hand on the metal door.

"What are we going to do now? Daniel's out there alone!" Sammy said turning to Jack with a huge frown. Jack sighed.

"Danny can take care of himself… let's just hope that he doesn't run into Baldy…" Sammy nodded in agreement miserably sitting down on the floor.

"Hey… Sammy?" Jack asked.

"Yeah?" Sammy murmured.

"… what's a Tok'ra?" Sammy grinned.

"I don't know actually." Jack gave a small smile as well, "Something weird is going on Sammy, I mean… not just that you know a bunch of tec stuff that makes my brain spin or that Danny knows more languages than you can shake a stick at and me being able to drive a space ship, but the other stuff."

"You mean like Thor saying that we haven't been cloned and the stuff about original forms and Mr. Apophis' reaction to us?" Sammy asked. Jack nodded.

"Yeah, it doesn't make sense and this SG1 business, what is SG1 anyways?"

"I dunno," Sam sighed, "But I see what you mean… what was the last thing you remember before we ended up in that tomb place thingy?"

"I was…" Jack started getting a far away look, "Now that you mention it, I was at the park, I had heard a shout from the tunnels and I ran in. The next thing I know I was with you and Danny facing down Mr. Apophis… what about you?"

"I was at home." Sammy answered, "I was at home and I had just got a phone call from Daddy… he said that he was gonna be late tonight again even though he promised to play with me. We have a little forest behind our house so I went in there and I found this little tunnel and went in."

"And then you found us right?" Sammy nodded.

"And Danny said that he was in Egypt and was lost in a tomb his parents were looking at." Jack crossed his arms, "We weren't even close to each other so how is this all possible?"

"ACHOOOOOOOO!"

"DANIEL!" the two children cried in relief looking up at the vent.

"Guys, you okay?" Daniel asked looking down at them wiping his nose.

"Yeah we're okay, can you get us out of here?" Sammy asked.

"No… sorry Sabie, bu' it's too high, I can't reach you guys… wud should I do?"

"Danny, you have to find Mr. Teal'c on your own, he should be nearby," Jack said.

"Wha? Be alone!" Daniel squeaked. Jack could just imagine the wide-eyed look Daniel had.

"You have to Danny, it's the only way we can save Teal'c. You have to go through the shaft, and find him,"

"But, I'b not… but Jag!" Daniel protested, "I-I'b not as brave as you, an' my sneezing will ged in da way…"

"Danny, I'm sorry that I yelled at you about sneezing, when it was me in the end that sneezed and gave us away, but it'll all work out. Besides, you are too brave; you talked to a carpenter ant alien and weren't even scared if it would eat you. You talked to Chaka and convinced a group of Unas to help us, you're very brave Danny, you can do this. Please, for Teal'c."

"Kay Jag, twust you," Daniel nodded crawling away from the vent.

"Be careful Daniel," Sammy whispered, "…We shouldn't have let him go alone…"

"Don't worry, he'll be alright," Jack put his hand on Sammy's shoulder.

* * *

Teal'c closed his eyes. He was in a deep state of Kel-no-rem trying to ease his wounds inflicted by Heru-er. His teammates, his _family_ were vulnerable out in the forest that was filled with Unas. He had failed them. They had the bodies of children and didn't even remember who they were.

"Bister Teal'c?" a small voice whispered. Teal'c's eyes snapped open as he looked around the room.

"Up here," the voice whispered. Teal'c stood up and his eyes widened.

"DanielJackson!" he exclaimed.

"Yub," the small boy nodded, "I'b here to rescue you," he explained. Teal'c pulled the vent off and carefully brought the little boy down to the ground.

"DanielJackson, you should not have come here." Teal'c said kneeling down to be eye level with Daniel. Daniel frowned shaking his head.

"Nuh uh, we couldn't leab you 'ere," he declared, "Jag says we don' leave no one behind,"

"That does sound like O'Neill," Teal'c nodded, "Are O'Neill and SammyCarter here?"

"Yub, but they're cabtured, they're in a cell nearby," Daniel explained. Teal'c frowned.

"There is no way that I can get out of this room DanielJackson, I am too big,"

"Will this helb?" Daniel asked holding up a Zat gun. Teal'c gave a very small smile.

"Yes, I think this will do nicely DanielJackson."

* * *

"I'm bored…" Jack sighed, "When's Danny gonna save us?"

There was a loud grunt from outside the door and shouting.

"Bout now?" Sammy suggested. The door slide open.

"T-man! You're okay!" Jack grinned as Teal'c stepped into the cell. He bowed his head.

"I am indeed O'Neill, come, we must leave this place immediately.

"Hiya guys," Daniel said cheerfully from behind Teal'c.

"Way to go Danny!" Jack said giving him a high five, "Let's get outta here!"

* * *

"So how are we gonna get back to Earth?" Jack asked. They marched down the trail with a gaggle (horde?) of Unas behind them.

"We are going to take the Stargate," Teal'c replied as he led them down the path.

"What's a Stargate?" Sammy asked curiously.

"It is a wormhole, it takes us to different plants throughout the galaxy, it will take us back to Earth," Teal'c explained.

"What? Wow! Is it a super secret government project like Roswell and Area 51?" Jack asked.

"It is indeed O'Neill, it is classified as Area 52,"

"THAT IS SO COOL!"

* * *

The three children plus Teal'c stood in front of the Stargate saying their good-byes to the Unas tribe.

"Bye bye Bister Chaga," Daniel said looking up at the Unas. The Unas had a sad look.

"Dan'aaaal," He patted Daniel on the head, "Bey-bey," Daniel smiled brilliantly.

"Bister Chaka's smart," he nodded to himself.

"Bye big guy, thanks for your help," Jack said.

"And not eating us," Sammy added. Teal'c bowed his head to the Unas and then started dialling the gate.

"Bister Chaka and his tribe got lots of webons now for their revolution," Daniel said, "They're gonna be alright,"

"What happened to Baldy?" Jack asked.

"I dunno, I think he's still around sobewhere, but ad least we saved Bister Teal'c," Daniel said.

"And now we're going home," Sammy said happily. The Stargate burst to life.

"WHOA!" The Children gasped staring at the wormhole.

"Come, we must leave," Teal'c said waiting for the children to go through the wormhole. They waved good-bye to the Unas and stepped up to the Stargate. Daniel touched it tentivly.

"It's like water bu' nod," He muttered. Jack grabbed Sammy and Daniel's hand and they all walked through together.

* * *

Hawk: So Jack and Sammy are catching on and Daniel's allergies finally strike. Hmm what trouble will they get into next time? I guess you'll have to wait and see. Read and Review! 


	8. One of Those Days

Disclaimer: Jaffa, Kree! I do not own Stargate SG1 or it's characters or Coffee Crisp though it is unbelievably delicious, you may now return to your regularly scheduled programme.

* * *

There had been many strange things that came through the Stargate. Hammond had thought he had seen it all. Turns out, he was wrong.

"Welcome back… SG...1…" If the General didn't know any better, he would say that Teal'c was relieved to be back.

"THAT WAS SO AWESOME!" The oldest boy yelled.

"Can we do it again!" the only girl asked excitedly.

"ACHOOOO!" The third… sneezed.

"Teal'c… who are those… children?"

"They are O'Neill, MajorCarter, and Daniel Jackson." Teal'c answered with a straight face. Sometimes Hammond envied that Jaffa's ability to keep a straight face. When he was playing poker, when weird stuff like this came through the gate…

"That's what I was afraid of… get them to the infirmary…" Hammond sighed, "I'll meet you down there…"

* * *

"Jack, please open your eyes," the red headed doctor sighed.

"You can't make me, you are not flashing that thing in my eyes again!" Jack declared.

"ACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the doctor turned towards Daniel, "Oh, you need your antihistamines don't you hun?"

"Yes Ba'ab," Daniel answered wiping his nose on his sleeve. The General came in.

"Dare I ask what happened?" Janet asked shaking her head as Daniel sneezed again. She handed him a glass of water and some pills.

"Hade bills," muttered Daniel.

"They'll stop your sneezing," Janet reasoned. Daniel sighed resolutely and quickly took the pills.

"I have no idea, I was hoping Teal'c could enlighten us," Hammond said looking over at Teal'c.

"Not here," Teal'c said. The two walked out the door leaving Janet to deal with the terrible trio. She got the three to sit down in a row.

"Now, uh Co—Jack, Sam—"

"It's Sammy," Sammy stated.

"Uh, alright," Janet said, "Sammy, Daniel, I have to draw some blood,"

"NO!" Jack shouted jumping off of the table, "I HATE NEEDLES!" Truthfully, Janet had expected this behaviour from Daniel, him being the more sensitive, skittish, and shy one. It was honestly a surprise when Jack had leaped from the table.

"It won't hurt," Janet said trying to sooth the boy. He was having none of it, "Nuh-uh, you're lying, my friend Tommy got blood drawn, he said it hurts like heck!"

"You're afraid of needles Jack?" Sammy laughed, "Chicken!"

"I AM NOT!" Jack yelled, "Needles hurt! It's nothing to be ashamed of!" he crossed his arms defiantly, "Come on, back me up here Danny!" Janet's lips twitched at the familiar nickname.

"Sowy Jack," Daniel said his nose finally clearing up, "But I get shots all the time when me and Mommy and Daddy twavel. They don't hurt that much…"

"Traitor…" Jack muttered.

"Ha! See! You are a chicken! Not even Daniel's afraid of needles!" Sammy crowed, "Bock bock bock bock Chicken!"

"That's enough Sammy," Janet said giving the little girl a warning look, the look that sent Marines quivering in there boots only slightly phased the little girl. At least she stopped the bock bock bock's…

"You still can't make me do it I don't wanna!" Jack yelled pointing a finger at Janet. Janet sighed. This was going to be a long, long, day, she just knew it.

* * *

"What happened?" Hammond asked as Teal'c and he stepped out into the hall.

"I do not know for sure," Teal'c began, "I was in another section of the tunnel at the time doing a perimeter check. The tunnels were swarmed with guards of Apophis."

"You mean he's alive?" Hammond barked angrily. Teal'c tilted his head and continued, "Indeed. It would appear that Ammonet survived as well." Hammond frowned at this.

"That's impossible. We got Sha're's body,"

"But if you remember, the Goa'uld was not inside it."

Hammond sighed and nodded.

"The host of Ammonet had similar features to the wife of DanielJackson. They could have been siblings, but for small differences."

Hammond shook his head, "Continue."

"I saw them there surround by Guards, they were children. I did not know how this could have happened. There was nothing I could do to stop Apophis from taking them."

"How did you rescue them?" Hammond asked curiously.

"I was soon beamed aboard by Thor, as O'Neill would say, he was in the district."

"Neighbourhood," Hammond corrected, "Okay, so Thor just happened to be there?"

"Indeed, he beamed me aboard and I was able to save my team. There was an unfortunate incident though…"

"Oh?" No matter how you looked at it, SG1spelt trouble.

"Thor placed us on a cargo ship that he confiscated from the Goa'uld. Unfortunately we were attacked by the ships of Her'uer."

"Her'uer!"

"Yes. We were able to land though on the planet in which the Unas slave traders reside."

"Well then you got to the gate?"

"No… it was not that simple."

Hammond winced, of course it wasn't, this was SG1.

"Alright, what happened?" If Hammond hadn't known better, he would've thought that Teal'c had winced.

"I was knocked unconscious and taken by the Jaffa of Heru'er as a prisoner. Remarkably, DanielJackson convinced the Unas to help them. They were able to enter the ship and rescue me."

"You mean to tell me," Hammond said with a flabbergasted look on his face, "That three children, convinced a bunch of Unas of all people, to help them, and then, they successfully infiltrated a Goa'uld mothership?"

"That is what I am saying GeneralHammond. They seem to have retained some of their abilities. DanielJackson can still speak many different languages. MajorCarter understands how to work complicated machines, and O'Neill can still formulate well thought out plans, and, he managed to pilot the cargo ship."

"Sir, Colonel Simmons is here to see you," a Sergeant said stepping towards him saluting, and that was all Hammond needed, Simmons mucking about. Yup, he was going to need some aspirin, it was definitely going to be one of those days.

* * *

"You have to be brave and let me draw some blood Jack," Janet groaned getting frustrated. Hmph, if grown up Jack was bad, then the young O'Neill was ten times worse, "Sammy and Daniel have let me and they're fine," Jack was currently under a table and not coming about. Janet was almost tempted to call in the SF's.

"You're nothing but a vampire! You'll never take me alive!" Jack yelled. Sammy rolled her eyes. Daniel was trying to hold back a giggle. Oh that's it…

"Sergeant, get in here," Janet ordered. The SF came in looking a bit puzzled.

"Get him out from under the table so that I can draw some blood." Okay, it wasn't the best way to deal with children, but this was Colonel O'Neill and child or not, he would make this as difficult as possible. The Sergeant gave her a beseeching look.

"Sergeant," She said eyes narrowing. It was nice to know that, even if the look didn't work on little children, it worked on men twice her size. The SF crawled under the table and pulled out a struggling Jack.

"AHH LET ME GO!" he shouted. Janet wasn't entirely sure how it happened. One minute the Sergeant was restraining Jack, the next; the Sergeant was on the floor, Jack standing a few feet away from him.

"Whoa…" Daniel muttered.

"How the heck'd you do that?" Sammy asked jumping off the table poking the unconscious Sergeant.

"Umm… I'm not too sure… ah… I'll take that blood test now," Jack said giving a sheepish grin. It only took an unconscious SF…

* * *

Jack paced the room that they were put in still rubbing his arm where Janet had drawn blood. The General dude had called it the VIP suite, but it wasn't all that VIPish…

"I can't BELIEVE they unplugged the TV…" Jack muttered.

"Yeah," Sammy muttered arms crossed. Daniel sat upside-down on the couch and shrugged, "I don't watch TV."

"What do you do when you're not on digs and stuff?" Jack asked staring at the upside-down boy.

"Umm. I'm learning the piano… well when there's a piano nearby… and my Daddy tells me stories." There was a small pause.

"I prefer TV." Jack sighed.

"Why don't we get outta here then?" Sammy suggested.

"Duh, we're locked in," Jack pointed out.

"Duh, that hasn't stopped us before," Sammy mocked. Jack scratched his chin.

"Good point, okay, how do we get out of here?"

"Jack, you did take out a big soldier guy," Daniel pointed out. Jack shrugged, "It was reflex… Sammy can always hack into the security." Sammy shrugged.

"I could…"

"We could always try crying again," Daniel muttered grumpily.

"Okay, okay, fine, I got a plan. Sammy, you tinker with the security, I doubt if anyone's gonna come in, if they do I'll take'em out."

"You said it was only reflex."

"Well… I'm sure I'll do it again out of reflex."

"Ah,"

* * *

"Sir, there's a problem," Hammond looked up at the SF in front of him. Three quarters of SG1 were children and no one knew how to change them back, Simmons was making noises about the productivity about the Stargate again, anything else is a walk in the park. The man shuffled slightly looking embarrassed.

"It's SG1 sir… they're… missing."

"I thought I placed a guard in case they tried to get out," Hammond bellowed. It was of course more for show than for anything else. He didn't want the children running around a military base no matter how smart they were.

"Yessir… that was me sir… I didn't see him coming sir."

… Hmmm… wrong again…

* * *

"Come on, this way," Jack said as they snuck around the base.

"We should have waited until they fed us," Sammy muttered.

"It was your idea, do NOT complain now," Jack glared leading them down the hall. Daniel sniffed the air.

"I smell coffee," He said instantly moving towards the smell. Jack and Sammy exchanged weird looks.

"Where there's coffee, there's usually food," Daniel explained.

"Oh," The two muttered nodding in agreement as they followed the younger boy. They walked into an office. It was filled with books and weird artefacts and… yes… coffee.

"Whoa." Daniel muttered looking around the room. This was his kind of place. Filled with ancient stuff and things that were almost impossible to read. He moved behind the desk looking around. He opened a drawer.

"Coffee crisp," He grinned handing the other two a bar each.

"Jackpot!" Jack grinned opening the wrapper and biting. Daniel ate his, savouring every bite, "But won't whose ever office this is know?"

"It's a stash Jack, the drawer is filled with them," Daniel said sneaking some more in his pocket.

"Whoa, this guy sure likes coffee crisp…"

"Sides, we'll pay him back later."

"Okay, we have sustenance, now what?" Sammy asked.

"When do you think they're gonna let us go home?" Daniel asked suddenly. Jack frowned, "Umm… jeez I dunno Danny… I mean, they have to let us go sometime, right?"

"… Mommy and Daddy are in Egypt…" Daniel said after a moment, "We're not in Egypt Jack…"

"Don't worry I'm sure they'll let us go after we promise not to tell about that Stargate thingermajig," Jack affirmed putting his arm around Daniel's shoulder, "Or maybe our parents know and they're gonna pick us up soon. Come on, let's keep exploring," Jack suggested. They heard footsteps.

"Quick, someone's coming!" Sammy said grabbing Daniel and Jack and pulling them behind the desk.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" The three children looked up. A gas was sprayed in their face, they fell unconscious.

* * *

Hawk: Yup, they finally get home and what happens? Read and Review! 


	9. Jerkwad Bozo

Disclaimer: Kumtriya! I do not own Stargate SG1… but… if I make some robot doubles…

* * *

Sammy groaned slowly opening her eyes. She felt sick and the room was spinning.

"Uhggg…" She shook her head to clear it and finally managed to focus. She found out that it wasn't the room spinning, it was a car, driving.

"Daddy?" She muttered. An elbow bumped into her forehead.

"Ahh, Maa-aark," She turned over to whack her brother only to find that he was smaller… and wearing glasses.

"Daniel… but then…" She looked up to the front. That, without doubt, was NOT her Daddy. She gave a loud piercing scream.

"AIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"AHHHHHHHH!" Jack and Daniel shouted jumping in their seats.

"Sammy? What are you screa—oh…" Jack winced rubbing his head.

"WE'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED! ABDUCTED! CAPTURED!" Sammy yelled.

"QUIET DOWN BACK THERE!" The man bellowed.

"YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO YOU KIDNAPPER!" Sammy hollered. Daniel was biting his lip, "Who are you? What do you want with us?"

The children could picture the oozing smile their kidnapper had on his face as he replied, "I'm Frank, and you three are part of a top secret government project. Terrorists kidnapped you. Their leader, General Hammond, was looking to use you and your special skills."

"Project!" Jack exclaimed, "I'm ain't no lab rat buddy!"

"Yeah! There's a mistake!" Sammy agreed.

"I assure you, there isn't," Frank retorted evenly, "You were all taken into the project a year ago."

"My Daddy would never, ever give me to some project!" Sammy retorted crossing her arms, "You're a liar! Besides I would remember!"

"Jacob Carter was killed in action a year ago." He said to her, "Your mother soon after in a car accident." Sammy's lip trembled, "That's not true…"

"Doctors Melbourne and Claire Jackson died in the desert after getting stranded out there for three weeks. Amazingly their son survived." Tears welled in Daniel's eyes.

"And the O'Neills—"

"STOP!" Jack yelled, "I don't wanna hear, you're lying to us!" He put his hands over his ears.

"Died in a fishing accident."

"You're a liar." Jack muttered rocking back and forth. Sammy had her head in her hands sobbing softly. Daniel had a shell-shocked look. His eyes suddenly widened.

"You're wrong," He said softly.

"I'm sorry son, it's better for you to know no—"

"NO, YOU'RE WRONG!" Daniel shouted, "THEY DIDN'T DIE IN THE DESERT! THEY WERE--… they're not dead…" he finished quietly.

"Then how do you explain ending up in that Tomb?" Frank asked, "How do you explain all your skills? You were all brought into the project to work with alien artefacts. How do you think you know Goa'uld Daniel? How do you think Samantha knows how to fix a spaceship? And you Jack, how do you know how to fly one? You came into contact with some Alien technology that wiped your memory of the project. Teal'c, the alien that _saved _you from the Goa'uld, was the one who did it. His goal was to wipe all your memories, but the Goa'uld interfered." The children were silent.

"You are part of a unit called SG1, the biggest secret since the Stargate."

* * *

Harry Maybourne stood in the gas station pumping gas into an old Ford Explorer. He yawned, leaning against the side of the truck waiting for it to fill up. A car came up behind him and started beeping at him.

"You can wait five minutes like the rest of us jerk," Maybourne mutter to himself.

"HELP!" he heard someone scream. He looked back at the car that just honked at him. He could see a man getting out. Frank Simmons! He held a zat in his hands and looked angry. Harry paused. He cursed himself as he picked up his gun and went around his own car to creep closer. He had been hanging around Jack too long. This hero stuff with his shtick not Harry's.

"Listen, Jack, you're going to be quiet or I'm going to make you quiet," Simmons hissed furiously.

"YOU'RE A LIAR!" a girl yelled, "DADDY'S NOT DEAD! HE'S NOT HE'S NOT!"

"Scaring little children now Simmons?" Harry hissed holding a gun to Simmons back. Simmons stiffened. The boy that was yelling in the first place managed to grab the zat and point it at Simmons.

"Who are you? Why did you kidnap us!" Jack hissed. Simmons just glared at him.

"Like I'm going to tell you, you brat—" Simmons surged forward, but before he could do anything Harry pistol-whipped him effectively knocking him out. Harry pulled the NID man back into the front seat of the car. The children looked at him wearily.

"I'm Harry Maybourne," he stated not too sure about what he was doing. For all he knew they were aliens on their way to Area 51 to be studied.

"I'm Daniel Jackson," The youngest finally said.

"Danie—what!"

"Daniel Jackson," he repeated, "This is Jack and Sammy,"

"As in O'Neill and Carter!"

Jack jumped up.

"Why? Do you know our parents! They're alive, right! That guy's just full of bull… right!"

"Of all the," Maybourne muttered, "It figures, come on, I'll take you back to the SGC… jeez…"

"Hey! How can we trust you? For all we know that Jerkwad Bozo was telling the truth!" Jack accused.

"Oh, come on Jack, I know you're smarter than that…" Maybourne muttered, "You can trust me…" okay so it was only a half-truth… the kid didn't need to know that. The children jumped out of the car.

"I don't trust you," Jack said putting his hands on his hips, "I'm getting a vibe, Sammy, you getting a vibe?" he asked turning to the girl. Looked like Jack was still in command… even if he was a pipsqueak…

"I get a vibe," Carter… or rather… Sammy nodded, "How bout you Daniel, are you getting a vibe?"

"Umm… no, not rea—" Jack elbowed him, "Ow, Jaaack," Daniel hadn't changed much… neither had Jack. Harry rolled his eyes.

"Vibe or no vibe it's either me or the Jerkwad Bozo," he said jerking his thumb towards Simmons.

"He has a point Jack," Sammy said. Jack frowned, "Give us a moment," The children went into a huddle occasionally looking over at Harry. Harry rolled his eyes. He looked over at the teenager at the register. Pfft… asleep. Jack stepped forward, "Okay, we've decided …against my better judgment I may add…to trust you, for now, but only if you feed us,"

"Feed you?" Maybourne muttered. Sammy nodded.

"McDonalds," she declared.

"With toy!" Jack added, "We figured before Danny goes back to Egypt we would treat him to the finest American cuisine." Harry rubbed his forehead.

"Cuisine? That crap? … ugh, fine, get in the truck," Harry ordered.

"How long does it take to get to the SGC?" Daniel asked shyly.

"Two days," Harry answered, then muttered to himself, "No doubt two, very, very long days…"

This good guy stuff was rubbing off on him, he couldn't leave three kids in the clutches of Simmons… even if one of them was Jack… if Jack ever returned to normal, he owed him, big… and three Happy Meals no doubt…

"We were knocked out for two days?" Jack exclaimed,

"Holy Hannah…" Sammy rubbed her head.

* * *

The sun was just starting to set as Harry pulled into the parking lot of the nearest McDonalds. Ah the wonders of modern American society, a McDonalds on every block. Harry bet that Doctor Jackson would have something to say on that… though considering Jackson was having trouble tying his own shoes at the moment… Harry sighed, bending down tying up the Doctor's shoelaces.

"Thank you," Daniel said brightly.

"You're welcome kid," Harry said, "Come on, let's get this over with." he opened the door letting the kids run in.

"I don't know about you, but I need the bathroom," Jack said grabbing the younger children's hands. Harry cursed. The line up was huge.

"Three happy meals," Jack ordered, "Two hamburgers and one McNuggets-- don't forget the toys," and with that he was gone. Sassy little…

"Oh, they're so adorable," The woman in front of him gushed, "You must be so proud," The irony that Jack was a year older than Harry wasn't lost on the former NID man. Harry gave a fake smile.

"Yes. Very. They're little angels…"

* * *

"JACK!" Sammy shouted, "I can't go in there, it's the boy's room!"

"What? Chicken?" Jack asked snidely not forgetting the needle incident. Sammy stare angrily at him.

"No, it's gross and you know it, I'll meet you guys out here," she said yanking her hand away from Jack and going into the girls room. Jack shrugged.

"Whatever, come on Danny," they walked in. Jack looked around, "Great, no one's here," he turned to Daniel, "Dannyboy, today, I'm going to teach you the art of making a cave,"

"Making a cave?" Daniel blinked. Jack grinned, "Yup, a cave," Daniel frowned.

"Umm… can I go to the bafroom first?"

Jack laughed, "Ah, sure Danny,"

Sammy pouted, "God how long does it take to go pee?" she muttered crossing her arms.

"Where are the others?" Harry said coming up behind her. She blinked, "Ummm… in there,"

"Well, get them," Harry ordered in aggravation holding onto a bag filled with happy meals and other crap.

"Nuh uh! It's the BOYS room; it's where I dare not go. You go, you're a boy," Sammy said pointing at him. Harry made a frustrated sound.

"Fine!" he muttered, "Hold these…" he handed her the bag of greasy food and walked inside.

"JACK!" he yelled. Jack was in the middle of throwing a wet paper towel on to the ceiling of the washroom ceiling. Daniel was watching him closely.

"Soap would make'em stick better Jack,"

"Hey, good idea… oh Hiya Harry," Jack grinned. Harry twitched. At that moment one of the paper towels decided to fall off the ceiling and land on the ex-NID man's head.

"Uhoh…" Jack smiled nervously, "Uh… so… get those toys?"

* * *

Maybourne sat the kids down at a table. Jack pulled out the toy in the happy meal; it was one of those plastic Furbie things.

"What's this?" Daniel asked poking the little black and white creatures' ears.

"I dunno, hey Harry, what is this?" Jack asked holding up his own purple one.

"It's a Furbie," Harry answered taking a huge bite of his big extra (with cheese).

"They're kinda cute, hee hee mine has googly eyes," Sam grinned studying her pink and red one.

"I'm naming it Pengy," Daniel proclaimed softly.

"Oh yeah, cause it looks like a penguin right?" Jack asked, "Mine's called Ears, cause… well, he's got huge ears."

"I'm naming mine Jim," Sammy declared.

"Jim?" Jack asked raising his eyebrow.

"What's wrong with Jim?" Sammy asked.

"Nothin…"

"I could always name it Jack, it does kinda look like you,"

"I do NOT look like a Furbie!"

"Yes ya do,"

"Harry do I look like a Furbie?"

"No Jack…" Maybourne sighed, "I you do not look like a Furbie…"

"Told ya," Jack said to Sammy smugly.

"Whateve—umm… where'd Daniel go?" Sammy said looking around. Maybourne's head snapped up. Daniel was gone.

"This is really not my day…" Maybourne bemoaned.

* * *

Hawk: sigh, yeah, another cliffhanger… thanks to all reviews 107 (sniffs) I mean… wow… this is the most reviews I've ever gotten on any story. And apparently I was recommended somewhere so thanks!

Sorry it took so long, back in school siiiigh…


	10. The Evil Prison of Doom And Stuff

Disclaimer: Stargate's not mine… now that's what I'm talking about.

Hawk: Sorry it took so long, gah, school, but now the teachers are on strike so I should have lots of time to update

* * *

He had lost the SGC's archaeologist… of course he did. Even as an adult that guy attracted trouble like a magnet. Though, the same could be said for all of SG1. What really worried him, was what would happen if Teal'c found out…

"Daniel!" Maybourne called looking around quickly. No answer… of course. He frowned. Where could that little geek have got to?

"Damn it I need a leash for you kids…" Maybourne muttered turning back to … where Jack and Sammy were.

"DARN IT!" he yelled getting funny looks from all the patrons.

* * *

Daniel looked around the restaurant holding Pengy in his arm. He knew that he should probably stay with Mr. Harry, but… this place was so interesting! He had never seen anything like it before. Only hotels and dig sites. A tall door piqued his curiosity. He pushed it open and wandered in.

"Hey! What's the kid doing here?" someone shouted.

"Awww he's so cute!" a woman squeaked. Daniel instantly started doubting the intelligence of walking through this door. He nervously adjusted his glasses and pushed the sleeves of his too long shirt up. He looked down at his shirt again. Instead of seeing a green uniform, he saw an aqua shirt with a little duck in a blue sailor's suit on the pocket and a blue t-shirt. Before he could ponder this, a tall man came in front of him. He hugged Pengy to him.

"This was a bad idea Pengy…" he muttered to the Furbie.

"Kid, you can't come in here. Where are your parents?" The man asked in exasperation.

"Mark, don't be mean. He's just a little kid. He was probably looking for the bathroom." A strawberry blond woman grinned widely at him.

"I… don't know where my parents are…" Daniel answered Mark's question softly forcing himself not to take a step back. He had faced Unas warriors and Jaffa and Mr. Apophis. He shouldn't be worried about normal people.

"Oh lord." Mark muttered, "Okay Julia," He said turning to the woman, "You can look after him while we find his parents…" He pointed his finger at her, "And no. You can't keep him." Julia pouted.

Why did he have to open the door? He let out a startled squeak as Julia picked him up.

"We're gonna have lots of fun while Mark find your parents," She said happily. She carried him back through the door that had started this whole mess.

* * *

"Okay Major, Doctor Jackson has been taken by an alien force. It is our mission to find Doctor Jackson without engaging the enemy." Jack said. They had found an HQ under an empty table.

"Right. What about Harry though?" Sammy asked. Jack frowned.

"He's doing his own search. Jack answered seeing Harry's feet scamper by. "Don't worry about him… for now. As far as we know, he's on the level." Jack brought up his hand to his mouth, "Krrsh, Archaeology boy, Sergeant Pengy, this is Sierra Golf One Niner. Can you hear me? Over." He waited for a dramatic moment, "No answer."

"Sierra Golf One Niner?"

"What? I thought it was cool…"

"Anyways… where do you think he – I mean… Where do you think the aliens took them?" Jack slammed his fist in his palm.

"The ball room! That's the perfect place for the alien menace to take him!" he paused, then giggled, "I just noticed… you're wearing pink… some soldier you are," Jack laughed. Sammy looked down at her pink shirt and dark blue overalls with flowers on the front pocket. She twitched.

"It's all the Jerkwad Bozo's fault…" She muttered, "I know it… hey! At least I don't have sponge-bob on my shirt." she replied crossing her arms. Jack looked down at his green t-shirt with said sponge.

"Shut it Sammy."

"So what's your name?" Julia asked Daniel, who, at the moment was scolding Pengy for getting them into a situation like this.

"We should have stayed with Mr. Harry—Umm… I'm Daniel and this is Pengy," He said showing her the little black Furbie. She gave him a bright smile.

"Hello," she said to Daniel and then patted the little Furbie on the head.

"Now here's the ballroom. You two go play." Daniel blinked, "Ballroom? Like dancing?" Julia chuckled softly, "No, no silly, you've never been in a ball room? It's that room in there and it's filled with balls. It'll be fun, I promise."

"Okay…" Daniel said looking dubiously at the little jungle gym filled with balls and then back at Pengy.

"The things you get me into…" He muttered climbing in.

* * *

"Krrsh, this is Rocket girl to Sierra Golf One Niner, I have a visual. Over." Sammy said quietly looking behind the corner seeing the ball room. In the middle of the netted Jungle gym was Daniel.

"Roger that Rocket Girl, what's going on in there? Over." Jack asked from the other side of the doorway.

"S'not good." She barked, "He's in an impenetrable prison with the alien guarding him at the front. What do you advise? Over."

"You take left, I'll take right, we sneak up, I'll distract the alien with Corporal Ears, you take Lieutenant Jim and get in there and save Archaeology boy and Sergeant Pengy. Over."

"Yes sir! Over and out!"

* * *

Daniel lay in the mound of balls like he would in water trying not to sink.

"This is definitely not fun." He muttered to Pengy. He _swam_ forward in the balls and looked out of the nets. He blinked twice. It was Jack and Sammy!

* * *

Jack and Sammy ran up behind Julia.

"Go, go, go," He whispered to Sammy. He tugged on Julia's shirt. Sammy sneaked by behind, unnoticed.

"Doctor Jackson! Sergeant Pengy! You're alive!" Sammy said happily. Daniel looked back at her.

"Uh…oh! Yeah, well, the – what's Julia?" he whispered.

"An alien," Sammy whispered back.

"Well the Alien is friendly," He answered.

"Ah, we better get back to the Colonel then before he does something stupid… like usual…"

* * *

Jack was just about to take down the Alien when Daniel and Sammy came back through the opening of the evil prison of … doom… and stuff.

"Danny, you're alive!" Jack declared running up to the other boy.

"Yup, the… uh… I mean… Julia's friendly." Daniel said brightly.

"Oh, you have little friends?" Julia asked, "Where's your parents?" Jack and Sammy shrugged in unison. Julia bent down.

"What are your names?"

"I'm Jack and this is Sammy," Jack answered, "Danny, why'd you leave?"

"Cause I've never seen a place like this Jack, it's fac'nating," Daniel answered. Jack rolled his eyes.

"Of course… you gotta stop wandering off! You coulda got hurt!"

"I wouldn't not have… it's not like we're offworld…" Daniel pouted.

"Danny I'm serious here," Jack glared crossing his arms. He looked over at Julia.

"He's from Egypt," he muttered to her as if it explained everything, "And you, why didn't you bring Danny back to us? We were worried!" Julia blinked. Was a little kid telling her off? Jeez, what a mother hen… wait…

"Egypt?"

"Yeah, that's where he comes from," Sammy piped up. Daniel nodded in agreement, "Yup. My parents study 'Giptian stuff." Daniel explained adjusting his glasses.

"And your parents are in Egypt?" she asked. Daniel nodded, "Yup,"

"Are you staying with Sammy and Jack?" she asked. Daniel blinked.

"Ummm, kinda…" he answered starting to feel uncomfortable hugging Pengy to him.

"Where are two from?" she asked Jack and Sammy.

"I'm from Chicago, I used to live in Minnesota though." Jack answered cheerfully, he turned to Daniel, "I need a leash for you or something," Daniel glared at Jack, "Don' baby me…" he threatened.

"I'm from Washington D.C." Sammy answered. The woman's eyes widened.

"Are you on a road trip?"

"No," the children answered.

"Who's looking after you?"

"Jack," Daniel answered. Jack grinned forgetting his anger.

"Well… yeah, me," He said proudly.

"Are you with an adult?" Julia asked biting her lip.

"Yeah, Harry," Jack answered rolling his eyes.

"JACK!"

"And heeeeeeeeeere's Harry," Jack announced. Maybourne ran up to the children panting slightly.

"Jack! What the heck are you DOING!"

"Excuse me sir, are you his father?" Julia asked suspiciously.

"He's not my Dad," Jack answered, "We met him at a gas station." Maybourne froze.

That didn't sound good coming from a little kid's mouth. He slowly looked up at Julia, whose eyes were narrowing suspiciously.

"You met him… at a gas station?"

"Now m'ma'am, I can explain—" Maybourne stuttered.

"KIDNAPPER!" she screamed as he tried to get closer. Bunches of people were up and out of their chairs in a moment running to Julia's aid. Most of them were parents.

"What's going on?" one man demanded.

"THIS MAN KIDNAPPED THESE CHILDREN! ONE OF THEM IS FROM EGYPT!" Julia cried. The people buzzed with horror and hate. The parents knew that the children's parents must be in horrible states worrying about what's happened to their kids. They slowly started closing in on Maybourne. Like crows surrounding road kill.

"IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!" Maybourne yelled as the mob of parents came closer and closer.

"WAIT STOP!" Daniel shouted. The parents paused looking down at the little boy, who now had tears in his eyes. The other children looked much the same.

"Yeah, Harry's an idiot, but he helped us escape the Jerkwad Bozo who captured us," Jack declared. Sammy nodded in agreement. The parents looked up at Maybourne who was now cowering in fear. Assassins, aliens, politicians were scary… a mob of angry parents out for blood was… well he had nearly wet his pants. He nodded quickly.

"Yes, yes! I was on my way to take them to the…police—yeah, that's it… so that they could deal with this whole horrible mess." he said.

"I called the police on my cell," A mother said, "They'll take care of all this.

"What's a cell?" Jack whispered. The other children shrugged.

Meanwhile Harry's brain was working a mile a minute to find a reason not to hand the children over to the police.

"SAM! DANIEL, JACK!"

"DADDY!" Sammy squealed happily running through the crowd of people shooting into her father's arms holding on to him tightly. Daniel gave Jack a worried look. Jack shook his head and put his hand on Daniel's shoulder.

"Thank God you found them," Jacob sighed in relief carrying Sammy back to where Daniel and Jack were standing.

"Who are you?" Julia asked.

"I'm Jacob Carter, this is my daughter Samantha. I've been spending the last two days looking for these three. Jack's father and Daniel's parents are working on a government project. They were kidnapped to be used to barter for secret information, which could lead to the destruction of the country. Thank you sir, for saving them," Jacob said to Maybourne, "You'll come with me won't you?"

"Uh, no," Maybourne said hesitantly. Hell, if he ended up at that complex he would never see the light of day again, "I'm just a normal citizen doing the right thing." Jacob nodded reluctantly.

"Come on kids, let's go home," he said taking hold of Daniel and Jack's hands and giving Sammy a piggy back to the car.

* * *

Hawk: Ahh finally done this chapter! Please Review guys! Oh and I don't own Donald Duck (for that was who was on Daniel's dress shirt pocket) or sponge-bob.

Special thanks to my Dad and Mom who help throw around ideas.


	11. Borrowing a Car

Disclaimer: Kneel before your Stargate… which doesn't belong to me!

Hawk: Wow, been awhile huh? I'm sorry about that, school and all my other activities have been really taking up my time so this is the first chance I got to update.

* * *

"I KNEW that Jerkwad bozo was lying!" Sam declared hugging her father's arm tightly. He carefully helped her into the car putting on her seat belt.

"Sam where did you learn that langu--…" He looked over at Jack and sighed, "Nevermind…"

"Where are we going?" Jack asked as Jacob lifted Daniel in next strapping him securely next to Sam in the middle seat.

"Back to the SGC," answered Jacob taking Jack to the other side of the car and putting him in.

"Why?" Jack asked.

"Because we need for you three to be safe." Jacob answered patiently.

"Why?" Jack said in a whiny voice.

"Because we care about you," Jacob responded taking a breath.

"Why?" All three of them asked. Jacob scowled and felt Selmac's amusement, "Okay that's enough of that you three, all you need to know is that we need to get back."

"Oh…" The three sighed in unison.

Jacob nodded to himself and climbed into the car turning on the ignition.

"PENGY!" Daniel cried.

"What!" Jacob blinked looking into the backseat.

"Pengy's gone Pengy's gone!" Daniel cried. Jack looked around the backseat.

"You're right, Sergeant Pengy must have been left back on the alien planet."

"Alien planet?" Jacob asked almost afraid to hear the answer. He wished he could glare at his symbiote who was laughing in the back of his head.

"McDonalds," Sammy clarified. Jacob shook his head, "Listen Danny, he's just a—"

"NO ONE GET'S LEFT BEHIND!" Jack declared, "EVEN IF HE IS JUST A SERGEANT!"

"YEAH! OR JUST A PENGUIN… THING!" Sammy shouted in agreement. Jack started trying to struggle out of his seat belt.

"Sit still Jack, I'll go get him okay?" Jacob sighed, "What does he look like?"

"He's black and white," Daniel sniffed, "And he's fluffy and his eyes move and he has orange feet!"

"Okay, don't worry I'll get him, you three stay here." Jacob ordered. Then he remembered their capacity for trouble, "I mean it you three, don't MOVE," The three nodded in unison. Jacob nodded back and turned on the radio, "Here, you can listen to this until I come back okay? Don't move."

"Yes Daddy!" Sammy said giving a salute. Jack and Daniel followed the suite. Jacob went off back to the 'alien planet' to rescue Sergeant Pengy.

"Don't worry Daniel! My Daddy will rescue Pengy, he's gone on lots of rescue missions before," Sammy said confidently. Daniel nodded and sniffed again calming down.

"So, what do you think SGC stands for?" Jack asked thoughtfully.

"Super Great Company?" Sammy suggested. Jack shook his head, "Nah, I'll bet it's Sleeping Gorilla's Creameries," He licked his lips. Sammy giggled shaking her head, "No no! It's Silly Gumboots Corporation!" Daniel started to laugh momentarily forgetting about Pengy's peril just as Jack had planned it, "What do you think Danny?"

"Star Gazing Crowd," He declared. The other two shrugged.

"Eh closer than ours," Sammy giggled. The front door driver's seat was suddenly pulled open and some guy in his teen's jumped in. Jack made a move to get out of the car but Sammy stopped him.

"Daddy said to stay here," She whispered softly. Jack nodded unhappily.

Jacob came just in time to see the car speed away, a little black and white furbie in his hand.

* * *

Mike sighed in relief the snatch had gone on without a hitch. The guy must have been going to grab a burger or something and left the key in the ignition. Now all he had to do was sell the damn thing. He changed the radio station.

"Hey! We were listening to that!" someone protested. The car squealed to a halt. Mike looked back in horror. Not one, but three kids sat in the car seat staring back at him, "Oh no…" He muttered staring at them, "What are you doing back there?" he said in disbelief. How did he miss this?

"Waiting for Daddy to go save Sergeant Pengy," the little girl answered.

"Oh God…" Mike breathed falling back into his seat, he was doomed, he couldn't take these kids with him. If he was caught not only would he get charged for car theft but kidnapping! Curses ran through his head. He couldn't go back, that was for bloody well certain. He would dump them at some gas station or something. They would be found eventually. He nodded to himself deciding that's exactly what he was going to do.

"Umm, Mister?" The one with the glasses asked.

"Yes?" Mike asked his hands shaking slightly on the steering wheel starting the engine again heading taking the turn off so they were on the highway.

"Where are you taking us?"

"Uhh… for ice cream!" Mike answered his voice breaking with stress. It was the first thing he could think of. The last thing he needed was a bunch of screaming kids shattering what was left of his nerves.

"But we just had Mcdonalds," the older boy protested.

"Yeah, I'm full!" the girl pouted.

"I feel sick…" the boy with glasses muttered holding his stomach, "My tummy feels funny,"

"No it doesn't!" Mike blurted in panic, "No no no, you cannot get sick on me kid, PLEASE don't get sick. Think of something else, say the alphabet backwards!"

"ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA!" The little boy said quickly not one pause between the letters, "It's not helping!" he wailed.

"Do it in Egyptian!" Sammy suggested.

"That's easier!" Daniel said his head low his hands on his mouth.

"Talk to us in a another language." the older boy suggested rubbing the little boys back. The boy was talking a mile a minute in something that sounded like… Russian?

"Now _I'm_ going to be sick," Mike said banging his head on the top of the steering wheel.

"STOP THE CAR!" the little boy yelled. The car squealed to a halt once again pulling off to the side and the kid crawled over the girl and jumped out of the car to empty his stomach. After a few minutes he crawled back in wiping his mouth.

"I don't think that alien food agreed with me Jack…" The little boy sniffled.

"Hey, it's okay Daniel, you're used to other stuff," the older boy said patting Daniel on the back as he once again climbed over the girl to regain his seat in the middle.

"Thank you Sammy, thanks Jack," the little boy said rubbing his eyes under his glasses. Mike was hyperventilating now.

"Hey Mister, you okay? You look like you've seen an unas!" Sammy declared. Mike took a deep breath, "I'm cool, I'm calm, I'm fine," He said trying to convince himself, "Listen kids I'm gonna take you to a friend of mine, he's going to take care of you for awhile okay?" He couldn't take this anymore. He would drop the kids off at his roommates. He would show off the car to his buddies and then he would sell it or dump it.

"But what about Daddy?" Sammy asked, "He told us to stay here and listen to the radio." Jack nodded crossing his arms, "Are you stealing Sammy's Daddy's car?"

"Uh… no… I'm borrowing it," Mike answered.

"You should return it soon," Daniel suggested, "We need to go back to the SGC."

"What's the SGC?" asked Mike distractedly running over his plan again over and over in his mind.

"Supreme Gnomes Candles! It's a military base," Sammy chirped, "That's where Daddy works."

"WHAT!" Mike cried in terror. MILITARY? He sped up. The sooner he dumped these kids on Jordan the better.

"So…" Jack said after awhile, "What's your name?"

* * *

Mike led kids up the stairs into a run down apartment. Jack liked the set up. There were posters and pictures of stars and constellations and planets. The sofa looked comfy and there was a HUGE T.V. despite the shabbiness of the building. Faintly he could hear Madam Butterfly in the background.

"JORDAN!" Mike shouted.

"Yeah?" someone called back. A teenager with blond hair and blue eyes stuck his head out of the room where the music was coming from.

"Could you look after these guys for me while I go to work?" Mike pleaded. Jordan snorted in disbelief.

"Work? You're working now?" Jordan leaned against the door and shook his head looking over at the three kids.

"Who are they anyways? And what makes you think I wanna baby-sit?"

"Come on Jordan, just this one favour!"

"On top of ten others," Jordan said rolling his eyes, "Fine, but you're cleaning the fridge this weekend.

"Ewww… deal!" Mike scrunched his nose. He quickly left before Jordan could change his mind. Jordan studied the three children in front of him.

"So… what did Mike do and why are you here anyways?" Jordan sighed falling down on the sofa.

"He borrowed Daddy's car," Sammy answered. Jordan sat up straight, "That idiot did what?"

"He borrowed Daddy's car." Sammy repeated.

"WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS!" Jordan yelled angrily, "IS HE TRYING TO GET ME ARRESTED FOR KIDNAPPING NOW?"

"Don't worry Mr. Jordan!" Jack said brightly, "We'll protect you!" Jordan stared at him for a moment he gave an exasperated sigh, "… you guys hungry?"

Daniel quickly shook his head.

"No thanks Mr. Jordan," Sammy answered for them, "We had McDonalds and Daniel got sick."

"Oh," Jordan said sighed again, then smiled at them, "So, what do you guys wanna play?"

"SOLDIERS!" Sammy and Jack shouted in unison. The little boy adjusted his glasses and shook his head, "Sleepy…"

"Okay then," Jordan said kindly, "Here," He picked up the little boy and placed him on the couch with a blanket and then handed him the remote, "You can watch T.V. until you fall asleep. He turned to the two little kids in front of him, "As for you two, I call leader!"

* * *

Daniel heard Jordan's and the other's giggles in the background as he woke up. He had fallen asleep immediately and he yawned stretching out a little. He didn't feel like playing so he turned on the T.V. the news was on. He stared at it for a moment and watched in dismay.

* * *

"JACK!" Jordan jumped up as he heard the boy scream in terror. He ran over to the little boy who was staring at the T.V. Before he could ask what was wrong the older boy was at Daniel's side.

"What's wrong Danny?"

"Jack! Sammy! The… the T.V. It's the wrong time, it's the wrong time!" Daniel repeated over and over.

Wrong time?

"It's been two days remember? The Jerkwad Bozo kidnapped us don't worry." Jack said trying to calm the boy.

"Not DAYS Jack YEARS! Look at the T.V.!" The little boy commanded.

What were they talking about? What was wrong? Jordan wondered at his stared at the children.

"Oh my God!" Sammy and Jack gasped when the news came on again.

"What year is it?" Jack asked sharply turning to Jordan. He saw determination in those brown eyes.

"2004." Jordan answered finally after a very long pause. Daniel bit his lip.

"Jack?"

"We're in trouble." Jack responded.

"This is impossible!" Sammy declared, "There hasn't been any disruption or anything, other than the Stargate we haven't gone through anything weird! We saw Daddy! When could this have happened?

Stargate? He stared at the three children in front of him.

"Sammy, Jack, we've been in the future the whole time," Daniel said quietly.

"Huh?" Jack blinked.

"Think of all the stuff that we've seen, remember when that woman used a 'cell' to call the police? Remember how the people at the SGC wouldn't let us watch TV?" He looked up, "We've been in the future from the start!"

"Uh… Daniel… I agree with you but… umm…" Sammy paused, "Listen, the problem is that we knew stuff too. Remember Jack talking about the Olsen Twin people? And me knowing about Sponge-bob?"

"And I keep remembering weird things," Daniel said, "That I didn't know before… remember when the Jerkwad Bozo said that my parents died in a desert?"

Jordan winced at this as the others nodded.

"… I remembered them being crushed by a rock…"

They all looked horrified.

"Come to think of it, didn't Mr. Apophis say something about how we changed?" Jack gasped.

"And the giant Carpenter ant guy! He said we weren't clones or something!" Sammy said her blue eyes bright with tears.

"Jack… I think… I think that we're supposed to be older…" Daniel said finally.

* * *

Hawk: Dun dun daaaa… read and review 


	12. A Bit of Angst

Disclaimer: Hallowed is the Stargate… that STILL isn't mine!

Hawk: Man I really need to finish this soon… I'm running out of disclaimers!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The children stared at each other.

"I… I think you're right Daniel…" Sammy whispered.

"No!" Jack shouted, "This can't be, I'm a kid! The last thing I remember was Grandpa telling me that we would go fishing and… … … and we did… and then a few weeks later he got sick… and died…" Jack suddenly realised.

"Mommy's dead," Sammy blurted out tears in her eyes, "She died in a car crash… and… I blamed Daddy for not being there enough…"

"Sha're…" Daniel whispered wistfully, "… I… I was mawied!"

"So was I! Oh my God Charlie! How could I have forgotten Charlie?" Jack gasped. Jordan stared at them all.

"The Fountain…" He whispered. The three looked up sharply.

"What?" Daniel asked.

"The fountain of youth." Jordan muttered running his hand through his hair staring at the three of them, "That's the only explanation, I thought that this place was too far back though, that this was…"

"Woah, woah, woah buddy, slow down, what fountain of youth? Isn't that just a fairy tale or something?" Jack asked.

"The fountain isn't on Earth," Jordan exclaimed, "It's on my home planet. A planet whose population has been wiped out hundreds of years ago. I came here when that happened. I didn't think Earth even HAD a Stargate!"

"WOAH!" Jack yelled jumping back pointing his finger at Jordan, "Don't tell me you're an Alien!"

Jordan nodded his head slowly, "That is correct, I'm really an alien… uh… you okay kid?"

"WHAT ARE WE LIKE ALIEN MAGNETS? SAMMY EXPLANATIONS NOW!"

"Uh, now Sir… I mean Jack, uh… I honestly don't know…" Sammy sighed. Daniel adjusted his glasses, "What are the odds?" the little boy muttered

"I could tell you," Sammy put in.

"Don't," Jack ordered rubbing his head. He looked back at Jordan, "Okay," he said, "Okay…" he repeated to himself, "Okay, okay, okay… okay I have to stop saying okay… uh… okay, so… so you're saying, that we ran into your fountain thingy offworld and were changed into children and we've forgotten most of our adult memories?" Jack asked.

Jordan nodded, "This is how the fountain works unless you've been exposed to it for quite awhile."

"What happened to your soci'ty?" Daniel asked curiously interest peaked.

"Danny, he's an alien!"

"That's what you said about Mr. Thor but he was alwight!" Protested Daniel.

"For a giant carpenter ant…" Jack muttered.

"Please Mr. Jordan, what happened?" Asked Daniel. Jordan frowned.

"It was the fountain," Jordan said after a moment, "Or rather, it was how we used it. It was a great discovery among our scientists. Everyone wanted to be a kid again though. Picture it, a society almost completely of children that had no memories of their adult life…" Jordan sighed, "I was a scientist that worked on the project. We found that eventually the subjects would regain their memories, they would also grow up again."

"That doesn't sound SO bad…" Jack muttered.

"It was," Jordan contradicted, "There was no one to take care of all these children, and when the effect of the fountain wore off they would grow up, but they would still act like children. Our society crumbled, many starved and died." Jordan had tears in his eyes, "Thousands of starving people… children! I… and we could do nothing. Then we were attacked." His eyes darkened, "The Goa'uld, they attacked us. The water didn't work on them and gave us a natural immunity to the symbiotes."

"So they tried to kill you all?" Sammy asked wide-eyed. Jordan nodded, "I escaped and brought with me the water. Every few years I have a bit to restore my youth. You see, the more you take of it, the longer the effect becomes. I've been 21 for at least twenty-six years."

"Wow." The children gasped.

"What about us though?" Sammy asked, "How are we gonna get back to the SGC?"

"And what's the point of growing up if we can't remember how to be adults?" Jack questioned.

"After my years of research I have discovered a way to reverse the effects, but, you need to get back to the planet and into the fountain."

"Holy cats! How do you expect us to do that? Huh?" Jack asked, "We can't get in a space ship or nothing. We only have that Stargate thingy and those army people will NEVER let us kids go through I bet!"

"But maybe they will," Sammy said, "After all, we must have worked for them or something."

"Maybe…" Jack muttered, "… yeah… okay, how do we even GET to the Stargate though? Because of that moron roommate of yours we're here and we have no way of getting back to the base or to even get back to Sammy's Daddy." Jordan sighed, "That, I'm afraid is a problem… there will probably be news reports of people that we can contact to get you ho—"

"No…" Jack shook his head, "We can't trust them." he sighed heavily at the curious looks from the others, "Listen, remember the jerkwad bozo? He kidnapped us inside an army base! We have no memories of who we should trust… and… no matter what you say Jordan, we're still kids. I might grow up to be Mr. O'Neill, but right now, I'm not, I'm me and even though what you're saying makes sense and I'm suddenly remember some horrible memories… that doesn't change the fact. I can take a soldier down without thinking but they can over power me, at least two could take me down and Sammy and Danny can't fight at all, maybe they can when they're adults, but not now…" Jack frowned deeply. There were tears in his eyes, but he didn't seem to notice. Daniel silently took Jack's hand, Sammy followed the suit.

"Maybe I…" He whispered softly looking down at his shoes, "Maybe I don't WANT to be an adult again… I remember… a little flashes… of bad things that happened. Of faces that I know are dead… and I… I don't want to remember them." Tears trailed down his face.

"But Jack." Daniel said quietly, "What if someone needs our help like Mr. Teal'c? What if they need us to be gwoan ups?" Sammy nodded in agreement, "You flew an Alien ship Jack, and I knew how to make it work and Daniel could read the controls… it's obviously a very important jobs we have as grown ups… we need to be them… we need to be grown ups again."

Jack looked away from his friends for a long time.

"I remember pain." He said quietly, "I remember a man… that I think it was Danny, I remember him getting hurt lots. And I remember you Sammy, you getting hurt by Aliens and taken control of… and Mr. Teal'c… he was taken away from his family… I don't want to remember it all. I don't want to know why I know these things. I don't want to grow up again." He let go of his friends' hands and ran out of the room. Daniel and Sammy stared at his back, stunned. Jordan sighed.

"This happened sometimes. Jack must have had a lot of traumatic stuff happen as an adult… I'd say to give him time, but you don't have a lot… we need to get you to your SGC."

"I'll talk to Jack," Daniel said quietly, "Sammy, maybe you should watch the T.V. and see if anything comes up about us, we can figure out if they're friends later. Kay?"

"Yeah Danny, look after him." She said quietly, "I'd go… but I don't really understand… I… don't have that many memories as he seems to have…but…"

Daniel nodded, "It'll be okay." he said and went in the direction Jack had run off.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Daniel entered the bedroom and found Jack under the bed. The older boy had tears in his eyes. Daniel crawled under beside Jack.

"Jack?"

"Go away Danny, I don't wanna talk about it, okay? Just leave me alone. I don't want to remember."

There was a long pause.

"I 'member bad stuff too." Daniel said softly. Jack looked over at him, eyes still blurry from tears, "I 'member a beautiful woman, and something horrible happened to her, and I think I couldn't save her from something awful, and I 'member these flashes of failure and people dying… and I think I blamed myself. I 'member… I think I was the one that solved the Stargate… and that lead to a lot of peoples deaths Jack. I can't pr'tened it hasn't. But… there's something that I have to do. It's blurry. I don't entirely remember it, but there's something I need to do, and there's people I need to protect and I have to be big to do it…"

"Aww… Danny… I… it's just…" Jack sighed closing his eyes, "I know you're right…"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jack hit his head on the bed, startled form the giant sneeze. He stared at Daniel.

"'s dusty under here." The little boy grumbled wiping furiously at his nose with his sleeve. Jack continued to stare at him until he broke out laughing as if it was the funniest thing he had witnessed in his life.

"Jag, I'b glad you're ogay, but 'snot fuddy… Jag comb ond! JAAAG!"

Finally Jack was able to contain himself, "Danny, I know you're right, we have to find a way back to the SGC and become big again… we do have a purpose, an important one. I'm… I'm just scared that I won't like who I've grown up to be…" Daniel crawled out from under the bed and held out a hand for Jack to take, "Be too Jag, bud we deed to fid out." Jack smiled and took the boy's hand, "Right."

"Righd." Daniel said sniffing. The little boy started to walk back to the door that lead to the living room.

"Hey… Danny?" Jack said. Daniel turned looking at Jack curiously.

"I also remember that you saved me once before… and I want to thank you for it… and for now." Daniel gave an embarrass look and gave a little shrug.

"You've sabed be plendy in returnd Jag." he smiled. He sniffed again and then frowned, "Ummmb… I deed a tissue…"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

"Find anything Sammy?" Jack asked getting a more commanding tone. Sammy sighed discouragingly, "Nope, nadda, whoever we are we must be top secret or somethin' I mean, SERIOUSLY. There was something about Daddy's car, but that was it and it didn't have any information contacts or anything 'sept the police!"

Jack groaned, "Aww man, we can't go to them to, who knows who they'd hand us over to? I mean, what if the Jerkwad bozo made up some fake ID or something?" Daniel nodded in agreement.

"I know that Jack." Sammy said, "I went through the phone book to see if there are any familiar names, but there aren't any. We're at least two days away from the place where we wanna be. It could be in any direction."

"What do we know?" Jack asked.

"SGC, some sorta army base thingy." Daniel said after blowing his nose, "That's all secret and deals with aliens."

"And the Stargate." Sammy added, "And my Daddy seems to know about it."

"And Mr. Teal'c seems to know us really well too." Jack nodded, "What else?" there was a small pause.

"Come on, anything." he said.

"Well… we're in Colorado…" Daniel said after a moment.

"Right!" Sammy said enthusiastically, "So we just look up army bases."

"But what if there's lots of them? And SGC is top secret I think, so how would we know which one is right?" Daniel pointed out. Sammy thought about it.

"Well…" She said after a moment, "What else do we know? The base is deep underground I think, from what I remember from the base. And it has to be able to monitor the sky probably to see if there are any space ships nearby."

"NORAD!" Jack said triumphantly. Daniel blinked.

"What's NORAD?" He asked curiously. Jack grinned, sure that he had the right answer.

"It's perfect, it would have the equipment that would be needed to watch the skies and junk! That's where we need to go!" he turned to Jordan, "Can you get us there?" Jordan nodded.

"Yeah, no problem, jeez, you guys are a good team. Okay, we'll pack up my car and we'll get there as soon as we can."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

General George Hammond tapped his pen against his desk nervously. Most of SG1 were still missing and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. If he alerted the authorities about the three questions would be asked. What was worse, the NID could intercept, if they didn't already have the children. Jacob was searching non-stop now. They had been so close. They had them in the car for Godsakes.

"Damn." he grumbled as the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Sir! They're back! Colonel O'Neill and the others are back! They have someone with them sir!"

"I'm on my way!" Hammond said quickly hanging up the phone and running out of the office.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay this one's a short chapter, but I gotta go to sleep. I'm sorry it took so long to put it up, I'll try to be faster, but I procrastinate a lot. Ah well. I'm tired, and rather sad since I've heard they're cancelling Stargate after season 10 (NOOOO)… though that's neither here nor there, anyways please read and review and I promise I'll try to finish this!


	13. Operation Jerkwad Bozo

Hawk: I do not own Stargate, though that's neither here nor there…

* * *

"COLONEL O'NEILL GET AWAY FROM THOSE BUTTONS!!!!!" Walter yelled in dismay. A fully grown, sheepish looking Colonel O'Neill looked down grinding his foot in the floor, "Sorry Mister." he said, "They looked cool." he looked up again and saw Hammond. He instantly gave a sloppy salute.

"Colonel Jack O'Neill reporting for duty sir!" he said. He watched as Major Carter and Doctor Jackson did the same.

"I can't believe he's actually the leader." Major Carter muttered under her breath to Doctor Jackson. The Doctor giggled softly. Colonel O'Neill jumped at her words quickly turning around.

"Hey, hey, hey! That's insubordination, and besides, I'm WAAAAY older than you now!" O'Neill said smugly crossing his arms and sticking out his tongue.

"Yeah, you're an old coot!" the Major replied sticking out her own tongue.

"AHHHHHCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO… cad I go see Dogdor Frasier?" Doctor Jackson mumbled wiping his nose with his sleeve.

"Ewww, Danny that's gross, you need to stop doing that." O'Neill said to the Doctor handing him a tissue.

"Sorry Jag."

"Could someone PLEASE inform me what the heck is going on?" Hammond demanded looking at a bemused Teal'c.

"It seems that they grew to their natural bodies, but they still have most of the memories of children General Hammond." He replied.

"T-man! Great to see you again buddy!" Jack said running over to Teal'c, "High five?" he asked holding out his hand. Teal'c just raised his eyebrow.

"Don't leave me hanging—GAK!!" Major Carter grabbed on to the back of his shirt and dragged him back to where she and Doctor Jackson were standing. While that was going on, Fraiser entered the room handing Daniel some antihistamines.

"Thag you." Daniel said quickly taking them then blowing his nose.

"Ah yes." Jack said looking down at Fraiser, "The Vampire." Frasier gave him one of her patented, 'don't mess with the doctor, she owns many big sharps pointy things she gets paid to stick into you,' looks, Jack instantly backed off.

"Well, what are we going to do?" General Hammond asked, "We can't send them off world like this!"

"Oh, that's what Mr. Jordan's here for." O'Neill said.

"Mr. Jordan?" Hammond asked.

"Yeah." Major Carter nodded rapidly. Hammond suddenly noticed her hair was still in pigtails sticking out on either side of her head.

"Uh huh." Doctor Jackson agreed, "He's an alien!" Daniel gestured wildly to emphasize his point, "He said he'd help us, but you took him away." Jackson frowned. Hammond was on the urge of having a heart attack. What if this Jordan fellow had been taking advantage of their mental states and used them to find the truth? What if he was NID.

"Sir, Colonel Simmons is on the line." Someone said. It's always nice to know that the day could become that much brighter. He quickly took the phone.

"Hello?" Hammond growled.

"Hello General, I'm dropping by to pick up the kids." Simmons smug voice was like a wet squeaky shoe on linoleum.

"Is that right?" the General asked, "And how did you get that clearance. These are our people."

"I got clearance."

"If you don't drop this idiocy now Simmons you'll have a charge of kidnapping on your hands." It was a bluff and it seems Simmons knew that.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, they ARE there aren't they?" Simmons asked innocently.

"They're here." the General admitted, "But we've solved the problem, they're no longer children."

There was a long pause; Hammond thought he had him.

"Then you won't mind me interviewing them to make perfectly sure." Hammond gritted his teeth. He had lost.

"Good-bye General."

Hammond slammed down the phone, "Damn it." he cursed.

"Mom says you're not s'posed to say that word Mr. General sir." Jack said. Hammond sighed looking back at the no longer mini SG1.

"She's right, but in this case, it suits the situation." Hammond said.

"What did Colonel Simmons want?" Teal'c asked in disgust at having to speak the vile name.

"He wants to take them to area 51, let's go see this Mr. Jordan of yours." Hammond said. It was their only hope now.

* * *

Jordan explained to the General and everyone else in the room what he was and how he could help them, "I just need to get back there with them and pour this into the water." He said holding up a small vial.

"So can we go?! Can we can we can we?" Sammy asked bouncing on her heels, her pigtails bobbing up and down. It would have been amusing if it weren't a full-grown astrophysicist with the greatest knowledge of the Stargate on base. Hammond would have never expected Major Carter to be so… bubbly as a child.

"Please?" Daniel added softly partly hiding behind Jack. This was so much different than the Daniel Jackson that spoke out for his and everyone's rights.

"Yeah, we got stuff to do General!" And Jack… well there wasn't that much of a difference…

"You have a g—"

"General, I'm here," Simmons, "You weren't thinking of sending off the kids were you?"

"SG1, why don't you go to Doctor Jackson's lab while I talk to … Colonel Simmons." he said the name as if he was speaking of a rotten banana peel.

"Right! Will do sir!" Jack said grabbing Sammy and Daniel's shoulders and pulling them out of the room. Jordan quickly followed behind along with Teal'c bringing up the rear.

* * *

Teal'c quickly showed the rest of SG1 where Daniel's Lab was.

"Wow, this is my lab?" Daniel asked looking around curiously still not entirely used to being tall enough to see things.

"Indeed DanielJackson." Teal said with a small upward curve of his lips. Daniel quickly took out a coffee crisp bar, "Looks like we won't have to pay me back." He said happily chewing on the chocolate, "Do'ya want one Teal'c?"

"No thank you DanielJackson."

Jack sighed. He picked up one of the little statues and started throwing it from one hand to the other, "But that Jerkwad Bozo is back and he sure as heck won't let us go through that Stargate thingy.

"Uh, Jack, I don't think you should be playing with that." Daniel said a small frown on his face.

"It's fine Danny." Jack said continuing to throw it back and forth.

"But maybe we can pass his adult test thingy." Sammy pointed out leaning on the desk, "I mean, how hard can it be to be an adult?" Jordan sighed.

"He could also ask questions about your past. Memories you guys haven't got back." He explained. The children—SG1 frowned.

"Well that puts a damper on that…" Jack sighed.

"Jack, stop it." Daniel said, annoyed.

"Stop what?"

"Throwing the artefact!"

"I'm not gonna break it."

"Are too."

"Are not."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Cause I'm NOT Danny!"

"It's mine."

"So what?"

"It's old and probably expensive."

"Fine fine…" He put it down, "Hey you talk a lot better; you can pronounce all those big words now."

"I'm talking exactly the same as before."

"Are not."

"Are too."

"Are not—"

"BOYS!" Jordan shouted. The alien shook his head and looked over at Teal'c, "Man, you must not be able to wait until their adults and act normal again."

"Actually, this is the most normal I have seen the two of them in quite some time." Teal'c said with a small smile his eyes shining playfully. Jack and Daniel looked at each other raised eyebrows.

"Oookay," Jack muttered, "So if we can't pass the test, what CAN we do? We can't just bust out of here…"

"Uh, Jack." Sammy said, "We do that all the time…" Jack looked over at her.

"Oh yeaaaaah. Heh, okay then." He grinned, "All we need is a clever plan to bust through, start that Stargate thingy, and then take Mr. Jordan through!" He crossed his arms with a satisfied look, "Easy as pie."

"Pie as in apple? Or Pi as in 3.141—"

"Apple, apple pie." Jack said cutting Sammy off with a glare.

"Either way, both are easy." She grinned cheekily. Jack stuck out his tongue.

"So what are we gonna do Jack?" Daniel cut in before Jack and Sammy could get into yet another argument. Jack smirked.

"Okay guys, here's the plan." He said gesturing for a huddle. He paused, "You too Teal'c we need you too!"

"Of course O'Neill."

"Okay, now we're gonna take the test."

"What?!?" The other two gasped.

"Just hear me out. Get ready for operation--"

* * *

"Jerkwad Bozo, so we meet again." Jack said crossing his arms. Daniel elbowed him in the ribs.

"Hey, that's what he is." Jack said nonchalantly glaring Daniel.

"Colonel O'Neill," Simmons said with a glare.

"That's me, once again large and in charge, now whaddaya want?" Jack asked. Simmons pointed to three chairs.

"Please, take a seat." he offered, "I'm just here to make sure that you're… perfectly normal."

"Normal. What if we aren't perfectly _normal_?" Sam asked coldly.

"Well then, I'd be forced to bring you back to area 51 for… study…" Simmons smiled. Daniel's eyebrows scrunched together.

"Forced, suuuure."

"Now, now Doctor Jackson, don't be… childish." Simmons said. Daniel rolled his eyes.

"Funny." Daniel said, "_Do you believe this guy? What a slime ball_" Simmons stared at him.

"Doctor Jackson, you are aware that I do speak Spanish." Daniel grinned, "Actually I am quite aware." he answered sweetly, "Just showing you that I don't have the mind of a six year old."

"I see." Simmons said deadpan, "But even as a seven year old you didn't have the mind of a six year old I'm guessing."

"Aww shucks, you're making me blush." Daniel replied sarcastically.

"Okay, okay, enough with the pleasantries," Jack cut in, though he gave a little grin at Daniel, "What do you want to ask Simmons?"

"Right, let's get on with this." Simmons smiled, "Colonel O'Neill, why don't we start with you?"

"Alright." Jack smiled nastily, "Give me your best shot."

Simmons looked down at the papers he was holding, "On P7X159, what happened to you Colonel?"

"P7X what?" Jack blinked. Simmons grinned.

"I take it you don't know." He said gloatingly.

"No, no, I just can't remember which planet that was… P7X… jeez… Carter which planet was that?"

"Uh… what planet was it again?" Sam asked.

"P7X159." Simmons repeated grinning in triumph.

"Oh. Argos sir." Carter prompted.

"OHHHHHH" Jack said nodding, "Right, right, right, okay, that's when I became an old man, heh heh, what an funny question Simmons, really, you crack me up. Well, anyways, continue." Simmons looked confused but dutifully went on with his questions.

"Major Carter, which Goa'uld symbiote took over your body for a brief time."

"Goa'uld…What's ar--?" Sam began to ask. She paused for a long moment, "OH!!! Uh, I think you mean Tok'ra… sir." She added after a long moment, "It was Jolinar." Simmons gritted his teeth.

"Correct." he said. Sam smiled brightly. He turned to Daniel.

"Alright Doctor Jackson, where is the location of your Grandfather Nicolas Ballard?"

"Belize." Daniel answered at once. Then frowned, "—The… ah… Planet of the giant alien—also called Belize; don't you love those culture coincidences?" He said quickly.

"That's the name of the planet?" Simmons gave him a long look.

"Um, yeah." Daniel said with a nervous smile, "Ummm you know there's an Abydos on Earth don't you? Well there's a planet called Belize… in… space." He said quickly nodding gesturing upwards.

"I see… very well then," he grumbled giving Daniel and long suspicious look, "Colonel O'Neill, "

"Yep?"

"What was the name of the Alien that took over Doctor Jackson's body on PX4943? That, might I add, could have advanced our knowledge of how to fight against the Goa'uld so much better?"

"Ummmm… Michelangelo?" Jack said after a long moment. Daniel winced. Sam slapped her forehead.

"Michello… sir."

"M something o…" Jack shrugged, "Stop asking such obscure questions, I'm not going to remember the name of every single alien I meet. Yeesh."

"Which Goa'uld did you make the treaty with between the Asguard, Goa'uld and Earth Colonel O'Neill."

"Oh, that's easy." Jack replied, "It was Nirti, Cronus and Me—wait a minute." Sam and Daniel looked at Jack in confusion.

"I didn't represent the Goa'uld…" Jack muttered to himself, "It was Nirti, yeah… Cronus… got that one… IT WAS NOT ME!!! --- No it wasn't! I think I would at LEAST know that much!! Even if I had been a Goa'uld at the time, why would I represent the Goa'uld and Earth? … … … so it WASN'T me?… then who was it?" Jack twitched after a moment, "You, you, you. It wasn't me! Was it?"

"Um… Jack?" Daniel said after a long moment.

"What?" Jack growled, "No it was not me!" he whispered furiously to himself.

"I think… the Goa'uld's name is You…"

"You? Y-O-U?" Jack asked. His face suddenly froze, "Oh… Y-U… Imagine that…" He glanced up at Simmons, "Oh well." He shrugged. He frowned suddenly tapping his ear, "Damn it… ear's acting up again…"

"Glitch sir?" Sam asked. O'Neill shrugged, "Yup, shame, I wanted to give the kids a bit more time, oh well, we know the answer to at least one question, don't we kids?"

"Yup." Sam smirked.

"What?" Simmons muttered. Until that moment he had been trying to see the microphone O'Neill must have had in his ear. They DIDN'T have their memories back!

"Oh, you know," O'Neill shrugged, "Those Robot doubles that died while defeating Cronus…"

"They survived." Daniel finished with a smile.

"Yeah, pretty much." Jack said looking over at Daniel.

"Got put back together as it were." Sam added.

"Harlen had grown rather attached to us…" Jack nodded.

"Yeah, I had a major headache while he fixed us though." Daniel said to them.

"You didn't have a head Daniel." She pointed out.

"Oh yes, that's right…"

"Neck ache then?" Jack asked.

"No, no, my brain circuits definitely still felt some pain, and I didn't have a body to move around in, it was like being tied up, and the entire time I had to stare at Jack's butt."

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with my rear end." Jack disputed.

"You didn't have to stare at it for three days Jack." Daniel pointed out.

"I have a nice butt."

"I've seen much better…"

"Can we stop talking about Jack's butt?" Sam groused.

"Ah yes, ladies present… and by ladies I do mean Simmons and Daniel." Jack admonished.

"So you're calling me a girl." Daniel said bluntly.

"Well you never cut you're hippy hair until today…"

"I LIKED my hair!"

"I liked my hair brown."

"Stop talking about yourselves." Sam muttered, "Oh well, at least Teal'c was happy when we killed Cronus."

"Teal'c was rather giddy wasn't he?" Jack said thoughtfully.

"I don't think you're allowed to call Teal'c giddy and live Jack." Sam laughed.

"You're probably right Sam." Jack sighed.

"What are you talking about!??!?!" Simmons yelled growing red faced.

"Com-traya!" Daniel smiled said wiggling his fingers in a mocking wave. Simmons jumped up pointing to them, "You… you're the robots!"

"Oh he's good." Daniel said.

"Better explain to him how we're not user friendly though Sam." Jack shrugged.

"It was in the manual, he'll be fine." She answered. The three stood up.

"WHERE'S THE REAL SG1?!?!? I'LL HAVE YOU---"

"Court marshalled … umm… hate to burst your bubble…" Jack said with false sense of regret, "But… we're not really under your jurisdiction… kinda visiting diplomats as it were. I was wonder why he was asking all those loony questions."

"Yeah," the others agreed with twin smirks on their faces.

"But… but you," Simmons said pointing at Daniel, "You said your Grandfather was in Belieze!"

"That's where he was when I was created." Daniel shrugged.

"You called me Jerkwad bozo." Simmons said in outrage. Jack took on an innocent look, "That's what you are…"

"You said you were "once again large and in charge!!" Simmons shouted.

"Large and in charge." He looked at his teammates, "That's an expression isn't it? I mean we've been gone for awhile but…"

"No, I believe large and in charge is still a saying Jack." Daniel answered.

"You… you said you didn't have the mind of a six year old." Simmons said weakly.

"And I don't…" Daniel pointed out, "I'm smarter than the original me." He paused, "Though I think the other me is better at Chinese…oh well."

"This does explain why he was wondering if we were perfectly normal." Sam said.

"Yeah, but the area 51 thing threw me off." Daniel pouted.

"It's really funny, he's so stunned he hasn't realized the fleshies are probably gone by now." Jack said in a stage whisper. Daniel gave him a look, "Must you call them 'fleshies?' Jack"

"… … … yes."

Simmons leaped out of his seat and out the door, the only sound they could hear were his wingtips rapidly clicking.

"That went well." Sam said.

"Oh yes." Jack nodded.

"I can't believe I had to cut my hair."

"Don't whine Daniel."

* * *

ONE HOUR AGO…

* * *

"Jack it'll never work." Daniel said with a small frown. Jack crossed his arms and pouted, "Well why not?"

"We don't have and robots that look like us." Sammy pointed out, "It's kinda a big part of your plan."

"We meet random aliens through a poor excuse for a washing machine and we don't have robot doubles… I'm sure there's robot doubles!" Jack said slamming his fist into his hand, "Sammy… Make us some Robot Doubles."

"I can't do it in less than thirty minutes Jack." She muttered rubbing her forehead, "Actually, I don't think I could do it at all. This sounds way too advanced for me."

"But you can fix space ships!" Jack pointed out. She just shrugged in reply.

"There are no Robot doubles kid." Jordan sighed; he had actually thought the kid would have a plan…

"That is incorrect MisterJordan." Teal'c put in. All of them looked over at Teal'c in surprise.

"We do have robot doubles?" Daniel muttered.

"COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OHMIGOD OHMIGOD THAT'S SO COOL HOW DO THEY WORK CAN I SEE CAN I SEE?!?!?" Sammy squealed in delight temporarily forgetting that Jack was actually right. Teal'c frowned.

"I do not know if they would be able to help us. The last time that we saw them they were horribly damaged" the Jaffa explained.

"HAH! I KNEW there were Robot Doubles of us! Someone owes someone an apology!" Jack gloated. Daniel glared.

"I am not apologizing."

"Why not!"

"Cause."

"Cause why!"

"You're being a poor winner, and sides, you never apologise to Sammy when SHE'S right and YOU doubted her."

"That's different, Sammy's a girl, you can't let 'em know what's what. They'll stomp all over ya Danny."

"JACK!!!!!!!"

"See what I mean?"

"We only have a short amount of time O'Neill." Teal'c pointed out.

"Right then, um… how do we contact these guys?" Jack asked.

"Leave that to me O'Neill." Teal'c said.

* * *

"Okay Teal'c you make sure Robot us keeps Simmons busy for awhile," Jack whispered. He looked at the zat in his hand. He frowned.

"What is it Jack?" Sammy asked.

"It's just… so weird, my hand being so big and all." Jack shrugged, "Anyways, we just shoot once, no more than that or the people are dead?" Teal'c nodded gravely. Daniel bit his lip.

"What if we make a mistake?" he said quietly.

"You won't Daniel." Sam said putting a hand on Daniel's shoulders, "They're all expecting us so they won't be moving and they'll only be three of em."

"Okay then." He nodded.

"Alright then! Hands in the middle guys!" Jack said putting his hand in front of the others. Daniel put his on Jack's and Sammy put her hand on Daniels, then Jordan and then Teal'c.

"Let operation Jerkwad Bozo Begin!" Jack said. Teal'c went off to the right and the rest went towards the gate room.

* * *

Hawk: Wow it's bee so long, I'm sorry, I could decide if I wanted to use the robots or not. The robots use a microphone built into their ear that Teal'c is speaking through giving them the answers, hence Jack arguing with him about YOU and YU (I know I know it's been done to death but it worked so well there). The reason they needed to cheat with the microphone this, is because they were created in season one before a lot of stuff, such as the crystal skull and Jolinar happened, there's the answer to that (not that it matters since the timeline is so messed up in this story muaha). Also, though it's obvious the Robots know about the kids and their plan (since that's what they're their for) they're also mocking Simmons by the same time playing dumb and saying they were just visiting and they thought he knew. It'll be explained more later I think, anyways.

Yay I'm almost done two, three chapters at the most left (I'm throwing down the gauntlet to myself…) Thanks for reading, read and review!


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